


Be Brave

by Erdi99



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erdi99/pseuds/Erdi99
Summary: A Tragic event takes it's toll on Steph. Be aware this chapter deals with suicide and a character's death





	1. Chapter 1

**Author note:**

**Readers please be warned, this story deals with suicide!**

**Also one character is dead, almost from the beginning.**

**This is the darkest story I have written so far, hope you enjoy it.**

**The Title comes from Veronica Roth's Author's note in Allegiant.**

**Erdi**

* * *

**Steph's POV**

I am sitting on the ground of my parking lot, with my hands covered in Blood and Lula lying just a few feet away.

"Don't you dare to pass out on me, Les" I mumble over and over again to Lester, whilst trying block of the bullet wound on his neck with my shirt.

I can can hear sirens in the distance and I know that it is only a matter of seconds before Rangemen will be here too. They are always faster than the police. And at this time I am dreading nothing more than seeing them, except, of course, for Lester dying right under my hands.

_"Hey, white girl we brought doughnuts!" Lula shouts across the parking lot and holds the box from tasty pastry up in the air, as I walk out of my building._

_"You are a lifesaver" I call back with a small smile and turn towards Lester._

_"I will see you later then?" I ask my friend. Lester and I have been spending lots of time together lately. I suppose, it is because we are both a little lonely and heart broken._

" _Sure...can't resist Pizza and beers with you" Lester grins and gives me a kiss on the cheek, before walking off to the other side of the building towards his car._

_He just found out, that the girl he was with for the past 3 years and thought of marrying, was cheating on him._

_I, on the other hand, am still waiting for Trenton's very own Batman to make a move. After I broke up with Joe almost four weeks ago, I told Ranger that I am in love with him and he said nothing...not a word. I admit that my timing wasn't the most perfect one, but he could have said something. I would have more preferred a rejection, than his silence._

_Suddenly someone's tires squeal, taking my thoughts away from my fucked up love life. As I look around, to see where the noise is coming from, I find my, currently most dangerous, skip climbing out of a POS car, which makes mine look like brand new._

_Jimmy 'The Ghost' Johnson is out on bail for beating his wife and somehow ended up being my responsibility. Even though is rap cheat is longer than my legs in high heels and should have never been allowed bail in the first place._

_He earned the name 'The Ghost', because he always slips through the Cops fingers. Don't ask him how this makes him the Ghost, as he is always seen around Town. Goes to show what great work our Police department does._

_"I heard the Bombshell Bounty Hunter is looking for me...and I thought I save her the trouble of finding me." Jimmy shouts across the lot and steps closer._

_Crap...crap..._

_"That is really nice...but today is my day off... So I will come and get you tomorrow, okay? We make a date out of it" I tell him and slowly back away. Out of my peripheral vision, I can see Lester backing away from his car and at that same moment Jimmy pulls a gun out of the back of his pants._

_"I don't think so...I am busy tomorrow" Jimmy replies and steps closer. My heart beat speeds up and I take a deep breath. Now I really regret leaving my gun in the cookie jar upstairs. I wasn't lying as I said it's my day off and I figured, my gun needs a day off too._

_"Jimmy!...the girl said that she is busy today. Why don't you get back into your car, before I do something you will regret' Lester says and points his gun at him._

" _You know that Rangemen does not joke about this kind of shit and they are pretty trigger happy" Lula advises and also points her gun at Jimmy. "I don't think Lester over there as fulfilled his weekly quota of shooting at people this week, so I would do as he says!"_

" _She is right" Lester nods and advances a little._

" _Stop right there" Jimmy growls, turns his head, but leaves his gun pointed at me._

_Without thinking it through, I run and tackle Jimmy. His gun goes off on our way down, but I don't stop to look around. We wrestle and his gun goes off for the second time._

_Though this time I look up, as I hear a grunt. What I see stops my heart beating for a few seconds, before it starts hammering into my ribcage and against my lunges, robbing me of my ability to breathe._

_Lester is standing there, with his hand to his neck, blood running down his shirt and a shocked expression on his face._

_Jimmy sees this as a chance and pushes me over. He gets up and for good measures kicks me into the stomach and against the head a couple of times, before making his getaway._

_As I chance a glance backwards, I see Lula lying on the ground, blood pooling around her body. Lester is closer, he has sagged down to the ground, his face void of any colour making my heart beat faster than before. I look back at Lula, who does not make any sound or show any sign of life and then back at Les. "Les, don't die on me…" I plead, as I crawl towards him._

"Here they are...stay with me" I beg, as the paramedics just turn into the parking lot, with a Rangemen fleet just behind them and press harder on his wound.

* * *

_Two weeks later_

I take a chair and drag it away from the rest of the Burg crowd, away from all the looks and whispers. Scanning the crowd I see Tank, who looks like he is about to pass out, standing there in a perfectly fitted suit next to the coffin.

My heart hurts looking at him and I quickly look away, tears running down my face. This is the worst day of my life. Today is the day they are burying my best friend, because of the decision I made.

In the hospital they said Lula was still alive, that she had a chance, if I had only chosen to save her life, instead of Lester's. It is all my fault and she died because of me.

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

"Have you talked to her?" I ask and look at my cousin.

"I tried, but she kept silent. Didn't even want to look at me." Lester answers. "I tried thanking her for saving my life, but she just shut the door in my face."

Looking at him, you wouldn't think his heart stopped beating mere two weeks ago. On the way to the hospital, he was pronounced dead, but through some miracle, his heart started beating again just as the paramedics called it and after the surgery, they patched him up. Let's just say that the Hospital will receive a big donation this year.

"I am worried about her" I state and look over to where my Babe is sitting. Steph's eyes are lifeless and her face fallen in. She has lost a lot of weight in the last two weeks and the black dress she is wearing, which once fit her perfectly, is now a few sizes too big for her.

The person there, is nothing like the woman I fell in love with. As she told me she loved me a few weeks ago, I couldn't respond. I was so shocked that she finally said those three words to me, that my brain stopped me from saying them as well. She had only broken up with Morelli that same morning and I knew she'd regret telling me she loved me. I also expected Morelli to turn up and make up with her again.

I was going to make my move the day of the shooting, but then the shooting happened and I thought it was wiser to keep my mouth shut.

"Everyone is" Hector says quietly, as he joins us. "Except her mother" He adds and shakes his head.

If it wasn't for the fact that Helen Plum is Steph's mother, I would have killed her on the day of the shooting.

_Flashback_

_All I hear, as I am walking down the Hospital corridor towards my Babe's Room, is shouting._

" _...You see what you have done?...You finally gotten someone killed...I knew this would happen! Why Me? Why does my daughter has to go and chase criminals? Why can't you be like Henrietta Polski's daughter and work for the button factory?" Helen Plum shouts on the top of her lounges. Zip, who is standing outside Steph's door, looks like he is going to kill her any minute._

" _You hang out with these criminals and managed to get one of them shot as well….A WOMAN DIED because of your actions. Why me? Why do I have a daughter like you?..." her mother goes on, as I step into the room._

" _That is enough!" I growl, after taking one look at Steph. She is sitting in her bed, with her eyes starring onto the blanket, picking at an imaginary thread. "Get out" I add in my most threatening voice._

_Mrs. Plum freezes mid rant and looks at me with wide eyes. I can tell that she is afraid of me, but it does not stop her from uttering the next words. "This is none of your business, Mr. Manoso. This is between me and my daughter."_

" _I am making it my business, when you shout at Steph, who is injured and went through a traumatic experience. On top of that, I am holding her medical Power and Steph needs to heal. You are not helping with that, so I am telling you to leave and not to return." I level her with a stare, that made men cry before, and she huffs, grabs her jacket and bag and leaves the room._

_I close the door and then go and take Steph's hand. "You ok Babe?" I ask, hopeful that she finally will speak to me, but she just continues to stare at her hands._

_End of Flashback_

Babe still hasn't spoken to me. She avoids me at all cost.

She checked herself out of the hospital, as I went home for a quick shower. And since she is of sound mind and does not have any major injuries, they could not keep her against her will.

I found out from Hector and drove right to her place, but she still refused to talk to me. I went by every Day since, but she avoids me like the plague.

On top of my worry for Steph, I am also worried for my best friend. So much actually, that I got him to stay on seven, where I and Ella can keep an eye on him.

He loved Lula and losing her is just the tip of the iceberg, after all the shit he has been through in the Army.

"I will look after Tank, you take care of Beautiful over there. She needs you" My cousin says and walks towards Tank.

" _Boss, Helen Plum is here and wants to be let in"_ Woody relays through the intercom and I can barely swallow a groan.

"On my Way" I tell Woody and then turn to Hector "Keep an eye on her." Hector only nods and I make my way to the front door of Stiva's.

"Let me in...I want to pay my respect" Mrs. Plums says and comes right up into Woody's personal space. His face is neutral, but I can tell that he would love to deck her with his mean right hook.

"Mrs. Plum, I have already told you, you are not permitted to enter this wake. So please step back and let the others get past." Woody says as professional as possible, just before I step around him and lead Mrs. Plum away from the crowd.

"I want to be let in" She demands and shoots me a famous Burg Glare.

"Why?" I question.

"Because I want to pay my respects" She says, but we both know that she is lying.

"No. You want to go in there and tell your own daughter 'I told you so'. And I won't allow it. Stay away from Steph, unless you are here to support her." I tell her, before I turn on my heel and walk away. "Make sure she leaves" I order Woody, as I walk past him, back into the Funeral House.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

As I walk up to the open coffin, after the ceremony to say my final goodbye, dread is rising within me. I don't want to say goodbye. Saying Goodbye will mean that this is real, that I really got my best friends killed and Denial Land will not be an option anymore.

I notice that everyone else left and the only one that was left behind is Tank. I swallow hard and step up to the coffin.

"I miss her" Tank says as he comes to stand next to me. "Even though we weren't together anymore, I still miss and love her."

I stay quiet and just stare at the body of my friend. She is dressed in one of her favourite, colourful outfits. Pink tights, yellow tight shirt, someone put some pink highlights into her hair and her favorite Louis Vuitton's onto her feet. She certainly looks like Lula, only the big smile and loud attitude is missing. So that person in there is not my friend.

Tank keeps on talking, but I just ignored him. I can't look at him, I can't see his pain. I took her from him. It is my fault.

I grab her hand, squeeze it and without uttering a word, I walk away. I sneak out the back door and to my surprise , there is no Merry Man to stop me.

* * *

_Another two weeks later_

I can't take it anymore. The pain is getting unbearable, my mother has been calling all the time, shouting at me through the Answering Machine. Ranger hasn't been by either, but I expected that. I nearly got his cousin killed, he will never forgive me for that.

Someone, I assume it's Ella, keeps leaving food in my fridge, but I just either throw it out or put it in the freezer. I am not hungry. The image of Lula's lifeless Body keeps popping into my head, whenever I try to eat and I end up throwing up.

Currently, I am sitting in my car in the parkinglot of the supermarket, contemplating if Rex really needs his hamster pallets. Unfortunately he cannot only live o some old Cereal I have in my cupboard, so with a sigh, I grab my bag and get out. Just because I am not eating, does not mean Rex need to.

Once inside, I grab a few bags of hamster pallets and make my way to the counter. Unfortunately Joe and his Grandmother Bella, as well as my own mother are waiting a little ahead of me in the cue.

"Can't believe she finally got someone killed" Some woman in the front mumbles.

"I feel for you Helen. Your train wreck of a daughter gives you nothing but grieve. Your poor thing" Another woman says and pats my mother's shoulder.

"Why me? How do I deserve this? I tried to raise her well. It is bad enough that she is hanging around with all those criminals, now I am not only known as the mother of the Bombshell Bounty Hunter, but also as a killer's mother" My mother sighs dramatically.

"You cannot change her. It won't be long before it happens again" Joe mutters.

"She is useless, thats what she is!" My mother exclaims and her words sting.

"You can be glad you didn't marry her Josef." Grandma Bella says to her Grandson.

"If something like this would happen to me, I would kill myself. I wouldn't be able to live with the shame I brought to my family." One woman in the front says.

"She brought more than enough shame to my family. My phone has been ringing constantly. Why me?" My mother cries out and shakes her head.

"Even that handsome looking Security Guy seems to distance himself from her. I saw him with a beautiful Latina at Rossini's the other night. I can understand him, after all Stephanie nearly killed one of his men too" someone says and my heart stops. This would explain why Ranger has not been around, he has already found someone else.

The bags of Hamster pallets drop with a loud 'Thud' to the floor and everybody turns towards me, eyes wide in surprise.

I can see my mother approaching and faintly hear her shouting, how much grief I am putting her through and how I am ruining her life.

_Ranger has another woman. Ranger has another woman. Ranger has another woman._

Tears come into my eyes and the numbness I felt for the last four weeks vanishes. All I feel is hurt and heartbreak. I can barely breathe and I do not know, how I managed to walk out of the supermarket and to my car. But even as I am outside and try to take a deep breath, it doesn't work.

The drive home is a blur. As I get into the apartment Rex greets me excitingly, reminding me that I didn't get him anything to eat.

I really don't know why it surprised me, that Ranger found someone new. For years I couldn't make a decision and now I got Lula killed and Les injured. I wouldn't want to date me either. Maybe part of me was still hoping for him to save me, from the hole I am finding myself in, and to tell me that he forgives me.

* * *

Later that night I lay awake, like I have most nights since that horrible day. Only difference today is, that instead of numb, I am hurting and the pain is unbearable. There is only one way for the pain to stop and my family to finally get some peace in their lives.

My Dad once told me to always be brave. But I don't want to be brave anymore, I cannot be brave anymore. The last few years have just added up and I cannot take it anymore.

Nothing holds me here anymore. It's best if I left. With that thought I get up, write one letter to Ranger, grab my keys, wallet, Rex and leave.

First, I stop at Rangemen. I can't see anyone at the front desk and the door is locked. Grateful I place Rex right in front of the Entrance. "Bye Rex... they will look after you well, I just know it" He twitches his whiskers at me and then runs back into his soup can.

I stop at a pharmacy and All-Night supermarket on the way to purchase what I need, before making my way to Point Pleasant. I want to see the sun rise and bury my feet in the sand one last time.

The streets are empty and the only noise in the car is coming from the engine. An hour later I park in a parking spot close to the beach, take my purchases and make my way towards the ocean.

It is a week day and summer holidays are long over, so no one is at the beach at this hour. I drop my purchases into the sand, kick of my flip flops and walk towards the ocean.

This place has always calmed me. The waves crashing onto the rocks close by, the cool sand between my toes and the wind whipping through my hair. But today it gives me a sense of relief and finality.

I get to leave on my own terms. I can finally be at peace. No more nagging from my mother and no more nasty side glances and remarks from the Burg people. I don't have to live with the guilt anymore, of ruining a lot of peoples lives. They can all live on without me... they will be better off without me.

I am unsure, how long I stand there with my toes in the water, just staring out onto the ocean, but soon enough the sun rises and I walk back to where I dropped my purchases into the sand.

I take out the bottle of vodka and painkillers and sit down into the sand. ' _This is for the best_ ' I think, before I drown all of the tablets one by one drown with the vodka. ' _Maybe I should have chosen a nice bottle of wine or whiskey for my last drink_ ' I muse inwardly, as the Vodka burn in my throat.

As its get's harder to sit upright, I lay down and watch the sun rise higher and higher. I smile a at the warmth of it and close my eyes. Once upon a time I wished, I lived here, right at the Beach. In fact it was always my Plan, once Dickie made enough money for us to afford a Holiday House.

But then I got divorced and all my money was gone. I never had enough money to move away or to buy a house here. But that all does not matter now, because I am off to see my best friend in a better place, where there is no Burg, where there is no pain, where I can finally be at peace.

I leave this world with one regret: I should have told Ranger, right after the Scrog incident, that I loved him!


	2. Chapter 2

 

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

I punch the red 'Stop' button on the treadmill and come to a stand still. Something is wrong, I can feel it. Just as I grab my towel to wipe my sweat from my face, Woody comes rushing in with a small cage.

"Boss, Rex was left outside in front of the Visitors Entrance" He informs me and hands me two pieces of paper "And this was rolled up and pushed into the top."

I grab the and quickly unfold it. ' _My Merry Men, take good care of him. I hope the Boss won't mind him taking up residence in the breakroom. Thank you for all you have done for me. I love you guys and every single one of you is awesome, kind and I couldn't have wished for better Guardian Angels, (But work on smiling and talking a little more ;) ) Love Steph'_

This sounds like a Suicide Letter and if this one didn't make my heart stop beating, the one she wrote for me on the back, surely did the job.

' _Ranger, thank you for saving me for all these years. I am sorry, I caused so much trouble and hurt for you and your men. I love you, and have for a very long time. My biggest regret is not telling you and making a decision a lot sooner. I wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it. I love you, Batman!'_

In anger, I crumble up the two notes and take a deep breath. I need to find her. I need to make sure she is okay. She cannot be gone, this cannot be it! "Find her, NOW" I bark at Woody, who is already halfway out of the room, by the time I get the words out.

I quickly take a two second shower in the locker room, to get the sweat off me and find myself dressed in the control room, ready to start a nationwide search, 5 minutes later. I have already tried calling her, but there was no answer on her phone.

"REPORT" I bark at Manny and Jason sitting in front of the monitors and half a dozen guys around them. Someone must have told them what is going on, because they are all suited up and ready to bounce.

"Her car and earrings show her at Point Pleasant. Have been there more a couple of hours, without movement" Manny reports and brings her trackers up on the screen.

I quickly press speed dial 3 and after one ring Hector picks up "Check on her right now!" I order and hang up.

"CALL 911! Hal with me, you are flying the chopper" I shout, as I am already half way across the room. "Bobby!" Not only am I glad that I had a foresight of buying a building with a helipad, but also I am glad that Hal and Woody had taken the chopper out for a ride yesterday and parked the bird on our roof.

"You think she committed suicide?" Bobby questions, after I showed him the letter on our way up to the roof. Hal has already run ahead to get the Chopper ready to go.

"I do" I reply shortly and try not to imagine the worst case scenario.

* * *

**Hector's POV**

"Check on her right now!" Ranger demands and the way he says it makes me panic.  _Surely she wouldn't or would she?_  I throw the door of the SUV open and start running towards Steph, not caring if the SUV will be stolen or not.

"Steph!" I shout across the beach, making a few people turn around, but don't get any response from the girl, currently lying in the sand.

I throw myself next to her into the sand and find an empty painkiller box and a empty bottle of vodka lying next to her. "Qué has hecho?" (What have you done) I mumble and feel her pulse, which is extremely weak and her breathing is shallow. "Someone call 911!" I shout and and flip her onto her side, try to make her vomit, but she seems to far gone already.

"No mueren en mí" (Don't die on me) I beg and my heart is beating erratically. I feel her pulse again, but it is gone. My instincts and training kick in and I immediately start CPR.

"What happened?" The EMT asks, as he comes to kneel next to me. I didn't even hear the sirens or him approaching.

"She tried to kill herself with these... Pulse is gone" I inform him and nod towards the empty box. and he immediately feels her pulse.

"There is a Pulse again, let's get her to the hospital." I help him and his colleague to load her onto the stretcher and into the ambulance.

The guy takes one look at me, standing there in the doorway and says "Quickly, hop in." I do as I am told and close the doors behind me.

The ride to the hospital has to be the longest 10 minutes of my life. The EMT, whose name tag reads 'Tod', hooks her up to the heart monitor immediately and the beeping of the machine assures me that she is not completely gone.

But just a few minutes later the constant beeping turns into one long beep, which makes my heart skip a beat or two and takes my breath away.  _She can't die!_

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

Ten minutes into the flight, Lester voice rings through the radio. "Boss, Hec found her unconscious, with a bottle of vodka and pain meds. EMT's are taking her to the Ocean Medical Center on Jack Martin Boulevard."

"Hal, take us there!" I order and our Pilot alters his route accordingly. I cannot believe that she wants to take her life. My Babe knows that she can always talk to me, that she can always count on me.

"Don't beat yourself up about it. You couldn't have known" Bobby says, obviously guessing in which direction my mind is going.

The ride to the Hospital seems to take hours, instead of 20 minutes. Bobby and I hit the ground running as soon as Hal is just a meter above a near by Football field.

"We can only give out Information to Family members" The Nurse, whose name tag reads 'Berta', informs us with a sigh and in an annoyed tone. I assume, she has to repeat that multiple times a Day.

Just as I was about to shout at her, where to stuff her Family members Policy, Bobby jumps in. "Berta, I am Dr. Bobby Brown and this is Mr. Manoso, he holds the medical power for Miss Plum. Please inform the responsible Doctors that we need an update now." My friend says, leaving no room for arguments, while I keep pacing up and down behind him. This wouldn't happen in Trenton, they know me well enough to not question my authority.

"Please have a seat. Miss Plum is still being treated and as soon as the Doctors have news, they will let you know" Berta replies tightly.

"I want to…" I start up, but Bobby pushes me towards the waiting section.

"Give me a couple of minutes" He shoots me a pointed look and I sit down, with my arms crossed over chest, my gun clearly visible on my leg and my blank face firmly in place. Outwardly I look cool as a cucumber, as Steph may call it, but inside of me is a storm brewing.

Before I go in my mind down a very bad path, Bobby walks back towards me and motions to follow him. "Turns out dropping a few names, gets you anywhere these days" He mumbles as we walk through the 'Restricted Access' Doors.

Once we turn the corner, I spot Hector leaning against the wall, opposite a closed off room. "The EMT took one look at my Tattoo and didn't even try to keep me away from her" Hector says, before I can even ask the question. He too is wearing his blank face, but I can see it in his eyes that he too, is worried and upset. And an upset and angry Hector is a dangerous one. "I am sorry" he adds and looks through the window of the door, behind which we can watch the Doctors work on Steph.

"I thought she just wanted to see the beach, get away for a day or so...I should have known, as soon as she dropped of Rex at Rangemen, or at least as she didn't take any luggage…" Hector shakes his head, but his eyes stay on mine. "I fucked up. I am sorry and she may pay with her life!"

"She won't" Bobby assures him, but his word do nothing to ease my or Hector's pain.

There is no use to get angry at Hector, when I have only myself to blame. Yes, he should have done his job better, but I should have done a better job at just being there for her.

I figured that it was better to keep my distance for a couple of weeks, because she refused to talk to me or anyone for that matter. And then Uncle Sam with their very bad timing called. I had to go and train a new group of Special Ops Recruits. That's when I assigned Hector and Zero to follow her. They updated me twice a day and until yesterday she always stayed cooped up at home.

I got Ella to drop off some Food and I know that Lester and Hector broke into the apartment every night, to check up on her.

I only got back last night and I wanted to go and see her today; try to coax her out of the house and maybe even get her to stay at seven for a while.

Now... now it may all be too late.  _Babe, what did you do?_

"FUCK" I shout and punch the wall a couple of times, leaving a satisfying dent in it. I heard my hand break and my knuckles are bleeding, but I cannot feel the pain. Everything is just numb, except from my heart, which is hurting so much, that it robs me of my ability to breathe, in turn I have to force air into my lunges.

"Boss" Hec calmly grabs my arm, to prevent me from hitting the wall again.

"Let me take a look at that" Bobby says and takes my hand roughly into his to inspect the wound. In that moment, I hear "She is coding again! Get me the Crash Cart!" from the inside Steph's Treatment room.

"NO" I scream and unwind myself from Hector's hold and storm into the room. "SAVE HER! Whatever it takes!"

Bobby steps in behind me and places a calming hand onto my shoulder. "Let them work Ranger….They are doing everything they can... Let's go…" He tucks on my shoulder, but I keep staring at Steph's lifeless form, which is being defibrillated.

"I want to stay" I say and the nurse, which came to kick me out of the room takes a look at the Doctor behind her, who only nods.

"You can stay, but you have to let us work" She says and walks back to join her Team, who by now have managed to get Steph's heart beating again.

"Bobby..." a voice, which faintly sound like mine, pleads.

"I will stay" my friend says, without me having to voice the question.

I watch how they pump out Steph's stomach and then wheel her into an observation room, where I take a seat next to Steph's bed. Bobby probably told them, that I would not move an inch from her side, as the nurses and Doctors leave me be.

"They don't know the extent of the damage, because she coded three times. They can only tell, if she wakes up" Bobby relies to me, what the Doctors told him. I am glad he has been running interference between me and them. I probably would have threatened the poor Doctor and his staff to do everything they can, to make her be alright.

"You mean, when she wakes" I correct him, because I don't like to go down the 'if' road.

"Uhh Boss...her family is here" Hector says, as he pops his head into the room. He appointed himself as Steph's Room Guard, until we have established a proper schedule. I already know that the volunteer list contains all of the Rangemen and not before long they will be fighting over who gets to watch her first.

"Make them go away" I tell him, without moving my eyes from Steph. "Or I might say or do something I will regret later."

"Copy that" Hec nods and closes the door silently behind himself.

"At least let her father in" Bobby says, but I immediately shake my head.

"No...when she wakes, she can have a say in who she wants to see and who not. But I hold her medical power and at the moment I get to decide. I believe that they do not deserve to be in here nor does Steph need the negativity." I answer and look at him, daring him to disagree with me.

He only nods and leaves the room, leaving me alone with Steph.

"Quedira, why did you do this?" I question out loud and intertwine my fingers with hers.

* * *

**What did you think? Good, Bad or Ugly? Leave a comment below!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ranger's POV**

_Three and a half weeks later_

"Just talk to me...please" I plead, from outside of her closed door.

" _Go. AWAY_ " Steph shouts from the other side and a couple of nurses stop to look at me. "I do not want to see you nor do I want to talk to you. Why are my wishes not being taken seriously?"

"Babe, we have to talk at some point" I sigh and lean my head against the door.

"At some point very far, far, far in the future" she replies and turns on some music.

"At least it's only far, far, far in the future...that is not that long" I mutter to myself, before walking away from her room.

I could just simply open the unlocked door and force her to talk to me, but that would amount to nothing. She has been in this clinic for a month and has yet to talk to me. Her Therapist said, that it will take time for her to come around and that we shouldn't force her, but something's gotta give. I can't stand her resenting me or my men for saving her life.

_Flashback_

_"Has she said anything regarding the clinic?" Lester asks, as he steps out of her hospital room._

_"No, which is worrying. I thought she would fight me tooth and nail for it, but since I told her that I got her a place at the psychiatric clinic in the Hamptons, she hasn't even so much as glanced at me." I reply and shake my head. It's been a week since we nearly lost her and she still hasn't talked to me or any of the guys._

_"She will come around" Les encourages me and claps me on my back. "That clinic will be good for her and it is the best in the country."_

_"Let's hope so" But within me, I have the feeling that a month's stay at the clinic will not be enough._

_"Give her time. She just lost her best friend and she is angry at us for saving her" my cousin repeats what the Doctors have been telling everyday for the past week._

_End of Flashback_

"Mr. Manoso, please come in" Dr. Rachel McKay waves me in, from her spot behind her desk.

"I am sorry for barging in here without an appointment, but I wanted to talk to you about Stephanie." I explain. I have donated quite a substantial amount of money to this clinic to get Steph the best help there is, so part of me does think I am entitled to speak to the main Doctor whenever I want.

"Don't worry about it…" She says and adds "Let's talk over there" and motions towards the couches on the other side of the room.

"How is she doing, Doctor?" I ask, as I sit down.

"Stephanie has yet to talk in her private sessions with Doctor Ryan or in any of the group sessions. She does however participate actively in drawing, music and other therapeutic exercises." She explains. Doctor Rachel McKay is the head Psychiatrist of the clinic and one of the best in the country. "I want to keep her here. She is not ready yet to leave."

"Does she agree with that?" I ask out of curiosity, knowing full well the answer.

"No. But she was advised that this is for her best interest. I also told her, that she would be released back into your care, as you have her medical power. It seems like she doesn't like you very much at this time, as she agreed to stay." The Doctor informs me and that draws a smile onto my lips.

"Good" I nod and stand.

"There is one more thing" The Doctor says and I motion for her to go on. "I heard what happened today and I know it isn't easy, however me and Dr. Ryan agree that you should keep coming to the one on one sessions once a week. At some point she will cave, it will only take some more time."

If I asked for a Dollar every time someone told me 'it will only take some more time', I would be a lot richer now. "Thank you Doctor Sullivan" I nod and shake her hand.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

I know he is gone. I can't sense him anymore.

Instead of turning off the music, I walk over to the giant window, from which I can see the ocean and the beach. It's a beautiful autumn day. There are no clouds in the sky, the sun is out in full force and I am once again cooped up inside. I cannot leave the premises without someone else coming with me, but all I want is to be is alone, burry my feet into the sand and watch the waves.

Suddenly there is a knock on my door and just as I turn around, Les enters. "I thought you could you use some time away from this place." He says and throws me a Rangemen fleece jacket.

Without a word, I put on the jacket, grab my sunglasses and walk straight past him. This is the first time I have seen him since…. I have yet to manage to complete that sentence in my head, let alone speak it out loud. Because once you say and think it t becomes true and real. I don't want it to be real or true.

Once we get to the beach I walk ahead, with Lester shadowing me. I am grateful for that. All they want me to do at the clinic is talk, talk and talk some more. But no one gets that I don't want to talk, well apart from Les apparently.

I walk and walk and walk, for what seems like hours. My mind is blank, the wind flips my hair into every direction and for the first time in weeks I feel almost content.

As I have enough from walking, I sit down, draw the jacket tighter around me and just stare out onto the ocean. I think I found my new favourite spot. Point Pleasant is nice, but this here is better.

Point Pleasant, on a day like today, would be full of people. But here at East Hampton Beach, there is only the odd person walking their dog and a few holidayers with their children. Peace and quiet.

* * *

**Lester's POV**

I do not know what made me decide to take her out, but I figured she must hate being cooped up all day long, so I took a chance. For a moment I thought she would refuse, but I count it as a small miracle that she didn't.

I know that when she is ready, she will talk to me and until that time comes, I figured it's better if I kept my distance.

I came up with Ranger, to support him today. It was their first session together. The Doctor hoped that Ranger being there would get a rise out of her and finally make her open up. But it didn't go well. Steph stayed silent, so Ranger had to talk a lot instead.

Steph not speaking to him, has taking its toll on my cousin, but he is still hanging in there. And as I look at my friend, who is sitting in the sand, I sigh. Something's gotta give.

I look around and find a small restaurant on top of the dunes. By the look of it, it is open for business and I make a quick decision to get us some water and maybe something to eat, if they do take away.

"Hello, table for one?" The pretty blonde waitress questions, as I enter the restaurant.

"Actually, do you do take away?" I ask.

"Sure, here is our menu" She replies with a smile and hands me a piece of laminated paper. Normally I would now start to shamelessly flirt with her, as she is exactly my type, but today I am not interested.

I take one look back at Steph, who is still staring out onto the ocean, and order a couple of burgers, with fries and cokes.

While I wait for our food, I keep an eye on her. I don't know what I am more afraid of, that she will try to kill herself again or that she could run away. Neither thought leaves a good taste in my mouth.

Suddenly my phone vibrates in my pocket and my cousins name flashes up on the screen. "Yo!"

"What were you thinking?" he growls down the line. "You can't just take her out of here."

"Yes, I can. I cleared it with the staff. It may actually be good for her" I reply.

"Les…" He sighs and I can tell he is weighing up, between shouting at me and giving me his blessing. A few seconds pass and I hold my breath. "Just don't leave her out of your sight!"

"I won't" I assure him and look up to where I saw Steph sitting just seconds ago. However now she is gone. I quickly hang up the phone and thankfully the waitress brings me our food at the same moment. "Thank you" I shoot her a smile and quickly run out of the restaurant.

My heart is pounding, not of exertion, but of fear that she ran away. Once I get down to the beach I look left and then I look right.  _Thank god!_

There she is; picking up stones just a few hundred meters away from where I am standing, and is trying very unsuccessfully to skip them on the water. I release the air from my lunges in relief and make my way over to her.

Without saying anything, I tap her shoulder and as she turns around, I show her the bag of food. I receive a small grateful smile and together we walk away from the water, to find a dry place to sit.

* * *

"Thank you" Steph almost whispers, as she finishes the last bit of her food.

"You are welcome" I nod, draw my knees towards my body and rest my arms on them.

The sun has almost vanished behind the Sand dunes, the stars are starting to appear in all their glory and so does the full moon. And with them the cold wind comes too. Summer is definitely over.

Steph draws her jacket even tighter round her and then puts her head onto my shoulder. It's been awhile, since I was only surrounded by silence, without something or someone trying to kill me and I find it very relaxing. Surprisingly, Steph's breathing evens out and minutes later she is slightly snoring.

I am afraid to move, so I sit there and just stare out onto the ocean.

* * *

Part of me regrets my sitting position, as my legs have gone numb long time ago and it is making me feel uncomfortable.

My phones vibrates and I carefully draw it out of my pocket.  _'Where are you? She has to be back by 10!'_

"What is going on?" Steph lifts her head and looks at me. I get why my cousin is so madly in love with her. She couldn't be more beautiful than she is in this moment. Her eyes are small from sleep and confused, her cheeks rosy and her hair wild.

"Just a message from Ranger" I tell her honestly. "He reminded me that you have to be back by 10."

At the mention of his name, Steph stiffens and immediately stands. "Ok...then let's go."

"Not yet...it's only 7. Plus I saw your lame attempt at skipping rocks and as a rock skipping champion, I simply cannot in good conscience ignore that." I shoot her a small smile and pocket my phone.

"Rock skipping champion" She scoffs and rolls her eyes.

"Three years in a row" I widen my smile and hold up three fingers, to get my point across. "Three years in a row...there is no one better to learn from, than me."

"Yeah...yeah" she laughs and my smile widens even more. It is good to hear her laugh again.

* * *

"Steph..." I stop halfway up the road to the clinic. I need to get this out and after the last couple of hours, this might be the perfect timing. Or it might not be. This can go either way. "Thank you for saving my life."

"Don't" Steph shakes her head instantly and starts walking again, this time a lot quicker, as if she is running from something.

"Hear me out" I almost beg, as I catch up with her.

"NO...Les...please don't" She turns around and starts walking back the direction we just came from.

"Steph, you can't keep running away!" I nearly shout and once again run after her.

"Watch me" Steph growls angrily.

"I thank you for saving me life. I am eternally grateful for what you did. I know the choice must have been hard." I shout and she halts mid step. "God knows I would have deserved to die that day. I have done plenty of bad shit and I should have died long time ago…"

"Don't say that" She turns around angrily with tears in her eyes. "You may have done bad shit, but you sure as hell don't deserve to die for it. You did whatever you had to do, to stay alive….and I almost got you killed on home turf, because I forgot my gun in my damn cookie jar….I got...I got her..." Steph sobs and sinks down to the ground.

"None of that is your fault….okay so you should always have your gun on you, but what happened that day...you couldn't have anticipated." I tell her, walk over and sink to the ground right next to her. "You have to believe that."

I draw her towards me, wrap my arms around her and she starts crying into my shoulder. Steph has always been a bundle of joy. When something or someone knocked her down, she got right back up and dusted herself off. She is one of my best friends and it breaks my heart to see her like this.

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

Once again I look at the clock on the wall. 9.55PM. Where the hell are they?

I have tried multiple times to call Les and left very threatening voice messages, but nothing. Unfortunately he has his phone turned off, which means Hector wouldn't even be able to trace it.

Suddenly the front doors slide open and in walks Les, carrying Steph in his arms. Jealousy immediately flames up within me and with a few large strides I stand in front of him, ready to shout. "Don't...she is sleeping." Is the only thing my bastard cousin whispers, before he walks past me.

I follow them to her room, where Les takes the jacket of her and puts her into bed. As he turns to walk out her room, she says "Please forgive me Les."

"There is nothing to forgive, beautiful" Les replies and then walks silently out of the door.

"Report" I growl and he shoots me a look that tells me to be more quiet.

"This was good for her. She finally broke down...maybe she now will be able to let go of everything" he explains.

"Are you a psychiatrist now? What if this makes it worse, Les?" I cannot believe this, he risked everything. What if she tries to kill herself again? I can't go through this again.

As if he reads my mind, Les places a hand on my shoulder and says "No I am not, but trust me, it helped."

A real big part of me wants to send him to the mats and beat him until he is unable to walk for a few weeks. This silence has gone on long enough though and a small part of me will try anything to get her back.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

_The next day_

"He thanked me" I immediately say in disbelief, as I enter Doctor Ryan's office for my session. "He thanked me for saving his life...and then...then he goes on saying, how he should have died long time ago...is he insane? I am sure he is insane...these men are such good men.

They did what they had to do to survive and then he goes and says that. They all believe that they are damaged, broken and don't deserve to live. I just don't get it…" I cross my arms over my chest and finally sit down on the big, fluffy couch opposite of the Doctor.

"I think you do, Stephanie." The man simply says and I just shoot him a glare.

"Steph...not Stephanie" I tell him.

* * *

**So what did you think...progress? Step back**


	4. Chapter 4

**Steph's POV**

_three weeks later_

"I have talked to Dr. Sullivan and we both agreed that you deserve some time away from this place." Dr. Braddock says and comes to stand next to me at the window. I love the view from his office, which is even better than the one from my room. "You have made great progress in the last couple of weeks."

"How long?" I question and turn to look at him. Dr Braddock is in his mid 40's, skinny, with dark brown hair, brown eyes and a killer smile.

"A weekend" he replies and smiles back at me. "But…"

"Of course there is a but...there is always a but with you…" I say and roll my eyes.

"But you will need to have someone with you. You cannot go out alone." He continues as if I didn't say a thing, and I hang my head low. Great, I will need a babysitter.

"Then what is the point of getting away?" I ask angrily.

"The point is that you can see something other than this place and that you can slowly start to lead a normal life again." Dr Braddock explains.

"Normal…"I scoff and shake my head. "I think Doc, you haven't been listening to me these past two weeks. My life hasn't been normal in... I think in like 10 years."

"I have been listening...maybe it is time you go back to normal. Just a normal holiday, sometime away." He suggests.

"I attract abnormal...or crazy and chaos like a magnet...highly doubtful that that has changed" I mumble and look back out of the window. Truth is though that I cannot wait to get away for a couple of days. Les has come here every weekend for the past three weeks and has taken me out and I can finally skip rocks properly now, but at the end of the day I always have to come back here.

"You could ask Ranger" he proposes, turns away from the window and walks over to his coffee machine. "Coffee?"

"Hot chocolate" I answer without missing a beat. "And no, I won't ask Ranger."

"Why not?" Dr. Braddock probes. My other shrink, Doctor Ryan had a death in the family and left to be with them on the west coast. Doctor Braddock replaced him and he sure does not believe in pussy footing around.

 _Yeah...Why not Ranger, Stephanie?_  My heart, the traitor, asks, but I ignore it. Ranger has moved on and I can't just ask him for some time away. How is he going to explain that to his new girlfriend?

"Why not?" The Doc questions again, as he hands me the cup of hot chocolate a few minutes later.

Apart from...apart from the incident, Ranger is another topic we have yet to talk about. Every time the Doc brings him up, I refuse to answer. It hurts too much and having to see him every week for a one on one session, which we spent with him making small talk with the shrink and me being silent, just doesn't make it easier. On top of that Ranger shows up here nearly every day.

"Because...because he has a business to run and can't just take some time away." I answer and take a sip from the cup. He seriously makes the best hot chocolate. I gotta find out his secret.

"Try answering that again...and this time don't lie." The man is a hard ass. He has called me out on my shit regularly since I started talking to him.

"Aren't shrinks supposed to be calm, soothing and waiting for the patient to open up?" I question sarcastically not for the first time.

"That's what they teach you in school, but I don't believe in it...sometimes you gotta push people a little" The Doc smirks "...now stop avoiding the subject...Why do you not want to ask Ranger to spent some time away?"

"He has a girlfriend and I don't think it is appropriate to ask him." I tell him, pulling a grimace as the words come out of my mouth.  _Plain and simple: it still hurts_.

"What makes you think he has a girlfriend?" Braddock probes further. "The man got you in the best psychiatric hospital in the country and has come here nearly every day to see you."

"I didn't ask him to come here nor to do this for me. He should have just left me for dead...that would have been easier" I answer harshly.

"Easier for whom? You, him...your friends?" Doc questions softly.

"All of us" I simply reply, sip my hot chocolate and continue to stare out the window. Damn him, he has a way of making me talk that Doctor Ryan didn't have.

"See the thing is that dying is easy, watching people around you die is the hard part. So to think that it would be easier for you to die and leave them behind, believe me it is not! Because they keep on living, knowing that you are gone and they are still here." He leans against the window and looks at me.

"Did you just quote from a Walking Dead episode?" I ask with a smirk, making him chuckle.

"I did...but it is the truth." He points out. "I get the feeling that he really cares about you, or he wouldn't have done this for you."

"I told him I loved him" I admit and turn to look at him. "He didn't reciprocate my feelings and then...after the incident he didn't come by anymore. I heard that he took a woman to one of our local restaurants."

"After what you have told me in the last couple of weeks, how he keeps on saving you, that all speaks of someone who cares a lot about you." the Doc indicates and moves to sit on his one seater. His office is such a cliché. It is spacious and painted in light colours, has multiple book cabinets; a desk, which is cluttered with papers and magazines; a one seater and a beige couch. "I dare to say that you are important to him."

"He saved my life countless of times, I am sure it is second nature to him by now" I retort and walk over to sit on the couch. I pull the woollen blanket over me and snuggle into the corner of the couch, with the hot chocolate.

"I had hoped that he would pull me out of the hole I found myself in, after the incident, and that he would tell me he forgives me for getting nearly getting his cousin, but that didn't happen...so…" I shrug and take another sip from the cup. The chocolate is getting cold, but it still tastes like heaven. I miss my tasty cakes and doughnuts.

"So you were waiting for him to save you?" The Doc questions.

"I guess...but he didn't so…" I shrug again.

"Then part of you must have hoped that he would be saving you that day too" He points out.

"No...that day I just wanted to be gone...make it easier for everybody else. To be finally away from pressure, from obligation, from the constant badgering and negativity. To be at peace." I admit out loud for the first time. "Ranger deserves to be happy and if that happiness isn't with me then so be it. It couldn't go on like this...it was the best way out for all involved."

"Then why didn't you move away?" he enquires. "That would have been the smarter choice."

"No, the smarter choice was to end this once and for all" I comment without thinking.

"I don't believe, that you think that that was the smarter choice...I get that you wanted to be at peace, but there are other ways to reach that. Were you afraid that he and his men would have made it harder for you to leave or that they would have followed you to wherever you went? These men you keep talking about seem pretty loyal to you." The doc remarks, leans back in his seat and looks at me.

"I nearly got his cousin killed... and...and his best friend...I...I cost his best friend the person he loves... So I don't think they are loyal to me anymore...maybe they never were. Ranger always ordered his men to watch me...they are loyal to him...Moving away didn't even cross my mind...I ruined a lot of people's lives and the guilt was too much. If had moved away, the guilt would have followed me too...it wouldn't have made a difference. But dying, that made a difference...as I was lying there I could feel it go away... I could feel the pressure easing away. It was great." I recall and swallow hard.

"You have told me that whenever things got tough, with your boyfriend, Joe, or your mother, or with a skip you sought out Ranger...why not this time? Why didn't you seek his help after what happened?" the doc probes on.

"Like I said I got nearly his cousin killed and his best friend lost the person he loves...no way was I going to seek his help only to be turned away." I admit for the first time out loud.

"You said earlier, that you waited for him to save you, to get you out of that hole you were in. But if he had come, you would have turned him away because you couldn't face him. Am I getting this right?" Doc questions.

"I guess so.." I nod and look into my now empty cup.

We fall silent for quite a while and the only noise is coming from the wind outside.

"Maybe it is time for you to face Ranger, face your feelings head on"  _And we are back onto the original subject._  "What better way is there, than to ask him to spend the weekend with you?"

"I did face my feelings head on...I told him I loved him and he didn't answer with anything but silence." I exclaim and shake my head at the same time. "I can't do it...not again...I can't get rejected again...you know how much that shit hurts?" I wipe away an angry tear and glare at him.

"I do...rejection hurts and it doesn't get any easier, but for you to get better and to let go of that guilt you have, you need to face him eventually. You asked for Lester's forgiveness...maybe it is time to ask for Ranger's?" he suggests.

"I think our time is up Doc" I remark, as I catch a glimpse of the clock on his wall. "I see you tomorrow."

"You can't keep running" He points out in almost a whisper.

"Watch me" I retort loud enough for him to hear, as I close the door behind me.

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

"Thank you for coming" Dr Braddock says and shakes my hand.

"Where is Steph?" I ask surprised. I figured this would be another one of our sessions.

"She just finished hers. I wanted to talk to you...I am sorry if I was misleading on the phone" He says, but looks nowhere near apologetic. My guess is, that he did this on purpose.

"What is this about?" I question and he motions for me to take a seat on the couch opposite of his one seater.

"You." He admits and picks up a file from the ground next to him. "Elite Soldier… US Rangers, you served alongside Lester Santos, Bobby Brown and Pierre Le Blanc in about every sandbox uncle sam had his hands in and then some... You retired at the age of 30 and opened your own security business, which now has branches in Boston, Miami, Atlanta and Trenton...A pretty impressive life you are leading."

"I know my history Doctor Braddock...what do you want to know?" I question irritated. I do not understand the point of this meeting if Steph isn't here.

"You also have a daughter, Julie, to which you have signed away your parental rights" He points out, making me more irritated.

"I do and I did" I nod. "But I still don't understand what this has to do with anything regarding Stephanie and how did you even get this information?"

"Why did you do it?" The Doc questions, ignoring my own.

"What does any of this have to do with Stephanie?" I ask again.

"Humour me and answer the question" he says and looks down at the file.

"Because I wanted her to have a better life. Something I couldn't give her... I was still in the army as she was born, there was no point in trying to be any kind of father when I was thousands of miles away and could have been killed at any time." I answer. "Her Step-Dad was able to be a better father and the smarter choice."

"So you keep yourself emotionally distant from her?" he probes.

"Some what" I nod.

"Why is that?" The Doc looks at me and places the file back onto the ground.

"In my line of work emotions are bad. I couldn't be open to the possibility of being made emotionally vulnerable. Someone could use her to get to me...and I have made plenty of enemies who would love to explore that side." I admit.

"And then there was Scrog, who did exactly that. He had her and Stephanie to get to you." He points out.

"He did" I nod.

"Must have been hard" Braddock comments.

"It was" I nod again, wincing as pictures flash through my brain from that day.

"Did this change your view on emotional distance?" he leans down, picks up a mug from the floor and walks over to his coffee station. "Coffee?"

"Yes please" I answer and get up myself, to look out the window.

"Huh…déjà vu" The Doc says, as he hands me the mug and I look at him with an raised eyebrow. "Stephanie loves this view. She spends her session with me staring out onto the ocean….anyways..so did this change your view on emotional distance?"

"No, it made it even more clear that I have to keep my distance" I take a sip from my cup and continue to stare out of the window. The doc has gotten me curious. I wonder where he is going with this and that is the only reason I am still here. I didn't even allow the army shrink to ask these kind of questions.

"That is strange." He comments and falls silent.

"How so?" I ask and look at him with a raised eyebrow again.

"You keep in touch with your daughter more than you used to. Also you saved Stephanie's life more than a few times and now you are paying for her to be here at the most expensive psychiatric hospital in the country. On top of that you have been sleeping in a house close by and you come here nearly every day to see her. If you are trying to keep your distance, then why are you doing this?" Now the Doc raises an eyebrow at me in question.

"One has nothing to do with the other" I inform him and look back out of the window. "And how do you know where I am living?"

"That's where you are wrong. One has a lot to do with the other...is it that you maybe have changed your view on emotional distance, but you don't want to admit it? Because it would mean, that you wouldn't be able use it as an excuse to keep the people you love away anymore?" He questions, successfully ignoring my own once again.

"I think we are done here" I tell the Doc and turn away to leave. I don't need him to examine my head, I need him to concentrate on Steph.

"You two are more alike than you know" he points out, as I am about to leave the room.

"How so?" I question and close the door again.

"You run away when things get tough and admitting your feelings is even worse...Fact is, you tried to keep your distance, but you fell in love with her. She is your drug and she has shown you life outside of your dark world. That's why you keep her alive. You can't bear to lose her, because you would fall right back into the darkness that is your own life...am I doing alright so far?" The Doc exclaims and looks at me for confirmation. He is good, I have to admit.

As I don't answer, he adds "I am guessing I am bang on track….She told you she loves you months ago, but you didn't respond. Afraid that you would finally have to admit your own feelings too. You may have shown her plenty of time that you do, but women need words, not actions. So before she tried to kill herself after that shooting, you kept your distance, figured she needed time, because she shut you out."

"I have tried everything" I nearly shout angrily, letting out verbally, what I have been trying to let out with my fists on the boxing bags for two months now. "I sat day and night beside her hospital bed, but she refused to talk to me or to any of my men. I figured distance was the best way."

"And now you want to give up, but you can't because she is what keeps you together…" Dr Braddock remarks and sits down in his one seater.  _Smuck Bastard!_

"She is still refusing to even look at me...you have seen it in the sessions." I point out and hover around the door.

"She feels guilty for nearly getting your cousin killed and for the death of her best friend, causing Mr le Blanc to lose the woman he loves" he points out, what I already knew deep down.

"Did she tell you that?" I ask and come to sit on the couch.

"I can't tell you anything she said, that falls under doctor-patient confidentiality" He explains, but something on his face gives him away. Maybe he did it intentionally, maybe he didn't, but what he just told me would explain a great deal.

"We are letting her leave for a weekend, however she needs to have someone with her at all times" The doctor informs me. "I think it would be in the best interest of the both of you, if you were that person to go with her."

"Are you sure?" After how Steph has been behaving towards me, I hardly doubt it is in her best interest.

"Yes, I do. However she shouldn't go home to Trenton. You can stay around here or take her somewhere she hasn't been before, for a sort of mini vacation, but under no circumstances take her back to Trenton." He says with a serious expression. "We have not yet discussed the death of her friend or her parents and it may take a while for that to come out. If you were to go back there, I fear it would make her state worse."

"Thank you Doctor" I shake his hand and get up again.

"Anytime" He nods and I leave his office. I have a mini vacation to plan, for someone who can't even bear to look at me.

* * *

**What did you guys think? Good? Bad? Horrible?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Steph's POV**

"Where are we going?" I question and look at Les.

"You will see" He winks at me as we step on the small motorised rubber boat in Sag Harbour. I asked him to come away with me this weekend and I am glad he agreed. I couldn't ask Ranger, it would have hurt too much for him to turn me down.

"This is really not fair" I pout, but his grin just gets wider.

"Stop pouting, I am not going to tell you where we are going." He says and sits next to the engine. "Put this on" he adds, pointing to the bright orange life vest.

"Do you even know how to drive this thing?" I question as I take a seat in the middle of the boat, after putting on the vest.

"Beautiful, you seem to have forgotten what I do for a living" He says and makes the engine roar to life. We drive out off the harbour very slowly, before hitting full speed as we exit it.

Water splashes into my face, every time we hit a small wave. Since the wind has managed to pull some of my hair out of my ponytail, I take the lucky band out and relish the feeling of the wind going through it.

The last few days the ocean looked rough and wild from the window in my room at the clinic, with the waves crashing down onto the beach. It also rained like crazy and Les and I hadn't been able to go out, as he visited a couple of days ago. Today the sun and blue sky are out in full force and the Ocean is almost calm. I am hoping that it will stay that way all weekend, no matter where we are going.

We drive past a smaller island and after a couple of hours, slow down as we approach a bigger island. We drive towards the left side and around, before Les slows down completely just as we get closer to the beach.

He takes of is shoes, socks and rolls up is pants, before getting out and pulling the boat to shore.

"Where are we?" I ask, as he helps me off the boat.

"Martha's Vineyard" He informs me and grabs mine and his bag.

"Les…we are staying here?" I question, looking up at the big house just metres away from the beach.

"Yes we are" He nods and starts walking towards it.

"This is too much…it must cost a fortune and I can't pay you back" I inform, still standing close to the boat.

"Don't worry about it." Les waves off. "Come on…I am getting hungry."

"We only left a couple of hours ago" I say matter-of-factly as I catch up with him.

"Exactly…I am a growing boy, I need a lot of food" He winks at me again. I snort at his response and march ahead of him towards the house.

"Wow this is amazing" I remark as we enter the house.

"I hoped you would like it" a far too familiar voice says behind me.

"What is he doing here?" I snarl at Les with a glare, without turning around.

"You need this…" Les says and with that closes the door behind himself on his way out.  _Traitor!_

"Babe" Ranger says behind me, obviously hoping that I would turn around.

Ignoring him, I grab my bag and walk right past him on the search for a bedroom. I take the first room I can find and slam the door shut behind me. My body is shaking all over with rage, annoyance and hurt. Every time I am near him, it is like driving an arrow though my heart. Very painful.

I lock the door and get onto the bed. It is like heaven. They are the same sheets as the ones in Ranger's apartment and it doesn't take long for my eyes to close.

* * *

I wake up hours later and discover that it is already dark outside. The smell of food makes my stomach growl, but I stay put and stare out the window.

"Babe?" Ranger knocks on the door. "I have made some food…are you hungry?"

I keep quiet.

"Well, I will leave it in the fridge in case you get hungry later" He sighs. I hear him retreat and moments later a door closes.

I wait five minutes to hear if he comes back out, before I quickly get up and open my door almost silently. He is in the room opposite of me and as I walk past I hear him talk on the phone.

"I am trying" Ranger says in a defeated tone, to whoever is on the other end of that line. "I know...Okay…I love you too." My heart stops as I hear those words out of his mouth and they aren't aimed at me. Pain shoots though me and robs me of the ability to breathe.

With a lot of force, I will my feet to move forward; to walk back the couple of meters and into my room. I barely make it past the threshold, before I slide down onto the ground, using the wall for support

Everything is a blur around me, as I struggle to breathe and gasp for air. But my lunges just don't cooperate.

"Put your head between your legs and Breathe Babe, Breathe" Ranger instructs me, puts a hand on my neck and pushes my head between my knees.  _How long has been there? Does he know I ears dropped on his conversation? He can't know, this will make everything worse. He will pity me, more than he already does._

With his thumb he runs circles just on the edge of my hair line in a calming motion, while he repeats over and over again "Breathe, Babe, Breathe."

It takes a while for me to calm down and my breathing to go back to normal, but tears, which I haven't noticed before, are still running down my cheeks. Suddenly he picks me up and lays me on the bed. He takes of his shoes and socks, before climbing in next to me.

Ranger sits up against the headboard, gathering me close, so that my head is now lying in his lab. With his right hand he combs through my hair and with his left hand he massages my temple. I take a deep breath and the scent of Bulgari hits me, which gives me a sense of familiarity.  _God I missed him._  Maybe just for one more night I can pretend that he loves me too; that he belongs to me.

With that thought in mind and of emotional exhaustion, I fall asleep.

* * *

**Ranger's POV  
** **_the next morning_ **

"How are you?" I question, as Maria picks up the phone after a couple of rings.

"I am good. How is it going?" she asks.

"Not well…She had a panic attack yesterday" I sigh and walk over to the floor to ceiling windows, which are overlooking the beach. The sun is slowly rising, but it is still dark enough to only be able to make out shadows and some stars are still in the sky. I can hear the ocean crashing against the shore, reflecting my inner turmoil.

I woke up about an hour ago, with Steph plastered against me and for a moment I forgot everything that had happened the last few months. I felt happy; happy to have her with me in my bed, the way it should be.

"Why?" She probes, ever the Doctor.

"I don't know" I admit. "she kept mumbling  _'he can't know...he will pity me, more than he already does'_ " I lean my head against the cool glass and close my eyes, but as last night flashes though my mind, I quickly open them again.

"Your ambush might have caused her some distress" Maria points out.

"Some distress?" I growl "You should have see her, she was terrified and couldn't breathe. For a moment I felt as helpless as I did that day. Besides this was your idea."

"Carlos..." Maria sighs.

"Sorry…I am just…" I try to voice my feelings, but we both know I was never good at that.

"I know" she replies softly. "You will figure it out…you always do."

"Thanks" I tell her. "I will speak to you later." And with that I hang up. I pocket my phone, open the glass door and step outside into the cool autumn air. Winter is near, I can almost smell it. I bet it will start snowing any day now.

I walk down the stairs and towards the water. Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do. I ran it by her Doc and he said it would be fine, but now I am not that sure about it anymore. I need her to talk to me, I need her to be able to look at me and touch me again. I miss her.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

"Urgg" I groan as I wake. My head is pounding, as if I went on a weeklong bender. I stretch in the heavenly sheets, which smell like Bulgari, and it takes me a moment to realize where I am and what happened last night.

I pry my eyes to open, thankful that the sun has not yet risen, just to find the other side of the bed empty and cold. Something squeezes at my heart, but I decide to ignore it. Maybe Denial Land will become my best friend again. It worked in the past, maybe it will work once more.

I get out of bed, shred my clothes from yesterday, before stepping into the shower. I turn the water to scalding hot and stand under the spray.

By the time I get out of the shower, my skin is glowing red. I dry myself off and step back into the room, to find it lit with natural sunlight. I must have been in the shower longer than I thought.

As I get dressed, my stomach reminds me that I skipped lunch and dinner yesterday and demands food very loudly.

I pull up my pants and a jumper over my head; once again glad that someone, I assume Ella, has replaced all my clothes. As I checked into the clinic, they took down my weight and I was shocked to find out that I had lost 13 kg. I hadn't even realized it in my numbness.

Even the clothes that had been packed for back then, were loose. The Doctors ordered a special diet for me, which contained enough calories, so that after a month and a bit I am finally able to fit into these clothes properly.

With food in mind, I walk out to the kitchen and sigh in relief to find it empty. I know I will probably need to talk to him eventually, thank him for taking me away, if I could only look at him. Maybe I can write him a note, that way I don't have to come face to face with him.

Under a glass dome I find Doughnuts and I quickly grab a couple. One a Boston crème and the other with jam inside. As I turn to the living room part of the open plan room, I find the glass doors open. With curiosity I walk towards the door and step outside, as I don't see anybody around.

I walk through the backyard and find Ranger standing on the beach, staring out onto the ocean. He is only dressed in black jogging pants, which have Rangemen written in white on the side of his right leg, and a black fleece jumper jacket, which also has the company Logo written on the back.

His hands are buried in the jacket's pockets, probably to keep them warm and he is not wearing any shoes. Almost with every wave that comes in, his feet get hit and his pants soaked. His, now earlobe long hair, is moving with the wind. Watching him like this, he seems so human, so vulnerable.

Against my will, my feet move forward and only stop when I come up next to him. Ranger doesn't even acknowledge my presents and just keeps starring out onto the ocean.

I take off my socks, roll up my pants and just stand next to him in silence; letting the water sink my feet deeper into the sand and the wind play with my hair.

* * *

"Thank you for last night" I finally say quietly, after we have been standing there for god knows how long in silence. I have been talking myself up mentally for at least 10 minutes to just say those two words.

As don't receive a response, I turn towards him, unsure if he heard me or not. This is the first time in months, that I am looking at him properly. Ranger looks tiered and his hair has a lot more grey in it than it used to have. In all he looks years older than he actually is.

Just as I am about to repeat my words, he says "What happened?" in soft tone.

"I don't know" I lie, knowing he is referring to last night.

"Don't lie to me Steph" His tone threatening.

"I really don't know" I lie again and my hearts starts hammering into my chest. I can't tell him. I won't tell him.

"Talk to me Steph, please" Ranger almost pleads and turns, to look at me. But in the last second I turn away. I don't want to see the disappointment and disapproval in his eyes.

"No" I answer stubbornly, hoping he will just let it go, before walking back towards the house.

"STEPHANIE" He half shouts half growls behind me.

Anger surges through me and I whip around. "NO RANGER, YOU MOVED ON" I yell. "I don't even know why you are still around!"

"MOVED ON?" He yells back and then starts laughing, which hurts. He is making fun of me. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

* * *

**Loved it? Hated? Let me know what you think!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Ranger's POV**

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" I look at her lost for words. As I come closer, she instinctively takes a step backwards. "Jesus Steph…" I stop just a few meters away from her, run my fingers through my hair and shake my head. Where did she get this idea?

"No…" Babe raises a hand to keep me where I am "...I get why you moved on. I screwed up and even before that I wasn't girlfriend material, with me getting into being a trouble magnet and all...so do me the favour and don't pity me...You are off the hook. At least you don't have to feed me the 'I don't do relationships' lie anymore."

With two quick strides I am in front of her, take her head into my hands and crash my lips to hers. Fireworks go off inside me and I relish the feeling of having her close again. I instantly know that this may have been the wrong thing to do, but I need her to understand, to feel first hand, that she is it for me; that I can't move on. As she kisses me back, the small shimmer of hope inside of me, suddenly gets a whole lot bigger.

As the need to breathe becomes too great, we pull apart. We stare at each other for a few moments, until I hear someone walking down the stairs.

"Oh good you are both still alive...I thought you had killed one another" Les says as he walks down the stairs, with his impeccable timing.

I quickly let go of her face and let have her have some space.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

As he moves away I shiver. I suddenly feel cold and goosebumps are surfacing on my arms. I take a deep breath to get my rapidly beating heart under control, without much success. With a finger I touch my face, where his hands were holding me in place, and then my lips, which are still tingling.

It felt so good and yet it is so wrong. I am a horrible person. Why did I kiss him back? And why did he kiss me? He is in a relationship with someone else. I should have pushed him away.

I did this to Joe for too long and I know it must have hurt and pained him to know that there was someone else. I won't do that to that woman Ranger is dating. This can't happen again, no matter how much I liked it.

"Steph?" Lester pokes my arm, drawing me back to the present.

"Sorry…what did you say?" I ask.

"Have you had breakfast yet?" He questions. My stomach decides in that moment to make itself known with a loud growl.

"I had two doughnuts" I reply. "Obviously that wasn't enough."

"You didn't had dinner last night" Ranger points out and Lester raises an eyebrow in question.

"Let's feed the beast!" I announce and walk towards the house, before Lester can ask any questions.

Once inside the house, Lester makes us bacon and eggs for breakfast and a bowl of fruit for Ranger. I try to avoid looking at Ranger, even though I can feel his eyes on me the whole time. I don't want to see the guilt and pity in his eyes, which I undoubtedly know is there.

* * *

"We are not done talking" Ranger promises, as he walks past me and down the stairs to the beach. He is dressed in running shoes, shorts and a tight fitting black t-shirt.

Part of me is sad that he won't join into the fun of throwing the Frisbee, Lester brought, and the other part of me is relieved. I need to figure out what to say to him first, before I talk to him again.

"What is going on with you two?" Lester questions, as he watches Ranger jog along the beach.

"Nothing" I reply and steal the Frisbee out of his hand.

"HEY" He cries out.

"I still haven't forgiven you for coaxing me here" I shrug and quickly put some distance between us.

"Steph…I just want you to get better and that requires you two to talk to each other." He answers.

"I know you mean well…but it is not that easy" I reply and throw the Frisbee accidently on purpose into the water, to stop him from probing any further.

"Really?" Les looks from me to the disc and back.

"Off you go" I laugh and make a shooing motion. "You don't want to let it get too far away."

"You will pay for that" he assures me.

"We will see" I shrug with a grin on my face. I missed joking around with him. For a while I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with Les.

By the time Lunch times rolls around, Ranger still isn't back, I am exhausted and Lester wet from head to toe.

"Beautiful, you have really bad aim" He shouts and shakes his head, as he walks out of the water for like the thousands time.

"I don't know what you are talking about" I say in mock innocence. A squeak escapes my throat, as Les suddenly drops the disc and starts running towards me.

"NO…NO don't you dare" I shout, trying to dodge him at the same time.

"You have to pay" He growls, with a smile on his face.

"Nooooo" I grin and next thing I know I am lying flat on my back, with a wet Lester covering me from head to toe.

"This is really not how imagined I'd get you wet" He wiggles his eyebrows at me.

"Urggg Les" I roll my eyes and laugh at him.

"Santos" Ranger growls behind us, making both of our heads snap in his direction. His hair is damp of sweat, he shed his shirt, showing of his rock hard abs and his pants are hanging dangerously low on his hips. "Like what you see Babe?" He shoots me a grin, as he catches me starring.

_I like it too much and that is the problem._

"Okay, I need a shower" Lester announces suddenly, rolls off me and quickly walks back to the house.  _Traitor._

"Want to join me?" Ranger questions, with a bit of mischief showing in his eyes.

"To do what?" I ask, just before he picks me up of the ground, throws me over his shoulder and starts off towards the ocean.

"NO…Not you too" I groan and slap his back. "Let me down….I will freeze to death."

"Lester didn't freeze" Ranger points out.

"Well duhh, he weighs like 100 pounds more than me" I explain the obvious.

"You calling my cousin fat?" Ranger questions in an amused tone.

"Ranger…" I sigh. "Please let me do… ARGGG" I scream of shock as the cold water hits my feet. "God that is cold" I shake.

"I will keep you warm Babe" He promises softly and my heart melts, whilst my head shouts at me to get out of the water this instance.

' _Just one last time'_  my heart assures my head. After that my head stays quite, knowing he lost this battle.

I am such a sucker for pain. This is going to hurt so much to walk away from. It has the potential of ruining me completely again, but maybe that is what I need to get stronger and move on.

As we get into deeper waters, Ranger puts me down so that I am facing him. He wraps his arms around me and I put my chin on his right shoulder. He smells like sweat, Bulgari and salt water. In short, he smells like home.

We paddle in the water with our feet, while I cling to him, letting the small waves hit us in silence. The water is cold, but Ranger's body is relatively warm in comparison and with the bit of sun coming through the clouds every few moments, I am not so cold after all. "How am I supposed to move on?" He questions out of nowhere. His voice not louder than a whisper.

I draw a deep breath to gather the courage to speak up. "I don't know how you did it, but you did it. You were seen with a Latina woman a couple of months ago at Rossini's and…" I swallow hard to keep the tears at bay. "I overheard you on the phone last night." I admit. "I heard you tell that you love her."

He tries to pull away, but I lock my arms around his neck. I don't want to look into his eyes. I don't want it to be true, not when this is the last moment we will have together.

"I just spent a great amount of time and effort to keep…" He starts.

"You didn't have to do any…" I interrupt and he dunks us under water, to shut me up.

"Let me talk" Ranger pleads, as we resurface, before I can even catch my breath. I just simply nod into his shoulder and wipe the hair out of my face. "As I was saying, I spent a great amount of time and effort to keep you among the living, for my own selfish reasons…"

I wait for him to continue, but as he doesn't, I pull away to look at him and what I see shocks me. There is fear and panic in his eyes. "Ranger?" I ask softly and shake him lightly, until his eyes focus on me again. "You okay?"

"The doctors were desperately trying to save your life. The helplessness I felt that day, still overwhelms me from time to time and I don't ever want to feel that way again." He swallows hard. "...because if you are gone, I am left to deal with the darkness that is my own life."

"You are it for me Steph. Have been for a long time, but I have been too much of a coward to admit it." Ranger says softly and brings his right hand to my face. "That day...the day you...it all brought it into perspective...You are the most important person in my life. I can't lose you."

"But that other woman…" I point out and he instantly shakes his head.

"The woman on the phone and at Rossini's are the same person...Maria is the daughter of friends of my parents. Her mother and father died as she was young and my parents moved her in, before Lester's parents adopted her. She is like another sister to me and happily married with four children." He informs me.

I am speechless. Ranger chuckles and gathers me closer again. I obviously said that out loud.

"I love you" He whispers in my ear and my heart skips a beat. "With all the trouble you cause, all the danger you bring into my life…I rather have that, than lose you."

"RANGER!" Les shouts from the shore. "You are going to give her a cold!"

"He has impeccable timing" I mutter, making Ranger laugh.

"He is right through…you will get a cold, if we stay any longer in here" and with that he turns, puts my hands on his shoulders and starts swimming towards the shore.

By the time we get out of the water, Les had run back to the house and fetched some towels.

"You two are insane" Lester shakes his head and throws a towel at Ranger, before wrapping me in two.

"I am gonna go and take a shower…again" I look at Ranger, smile briefly at him, before walking away.

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Lester shoves me. "She is only skin and bones and the water is freezing."

"She is fine" I tell him and wrap the towel around my shoulders.

"How is it going with her?" Les probes.

"Fine" I answer. I don't want to tell him, until there is something to tell. I laid it all out there, told her how I feel. Now I have to wait and hope she still feels the same.

**What did you think? Happily ever after or more trouble on the way ;) ?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Steph's POV**

I turn the water to scalding hot and step under the stream. It burns my skin, turning it red. My teeth stop shattering after a moment and my muscles relax.

I adjust the shower head, before sliding down onto the ground, letting the water rain down on me and with my eyes closed, I lean against the wall. Rangers face pops into my mind from just a few minutes before. For once he didn't hide behind his blank face and hurt, fear and panic were all clearly on display for me to see.

_"The doctors were desperately trying to save your life. The helplessness I felt that day, still overwhelms me from time to time and I don't ever want to feel that way again...because if you are gone, I am left to deal with the darkness that is my own life."_

My heart drops into my stomach just thinking about what he said.

_"...the day you...it all brought it into perspective...You are the most important person in my life. I can't lose you."_

I open my eyes, shake my head and stand back up. I don't want to think about this now. Denial land here I come!

I quickly wash myself, before I turn the water off and get out to dry myself. When the smell of bacon and burgers assaults my nostrils, my stomach growls so loud that I flinch. Part of me is sure that the guys heard me two doors down in the kitchen.

Since my stomach demands food, I forego moisturising and slip right into my black track suit pants and jumper. Whoever packed my bags for the clinic included also a few Rangemen shirts, but I haven't been able to make myself wear them, so they are just mocking me every time I open the closet.

I leave my hair as it is and follow the smell into the kitchen.

"Hungry?" Les smiles at me and flips the burgers over on the griddle.

"You have no idea" I claim a seat in front of the kitchen island. "Where is Ranger?"

"Outside on the phone" He nods towards the open glass doors. "His daily conference call with Tank."

"What do you mean?" I look at him confused. He just made it sound like Ranger isn't in the office regularly.

"I made it sound like that, because he isn't" Les replies, making me realise that I said that out loud.

"Oh" Slips past my lips.

"He goes to Rangemen usually once a week. Every other day he works from his house." Les explains and puts the meat on a platter, before sliding it over the counter.

"His house?" I probe.

"Yes, he owns a house just 10 minutes from the clinic" Les says. He grabs the bag of Burger buns, sauce and lettuces and walks around the kitchen island and towards the dining table. "Did you think he is going back and forth between Trenton and the Hamptons? Even for him that is too much."

"He didn't tell me" I admit.

"You haven't really been talking to him, so of course it isn't the first thing he would mention, when you can't even stand the sight of him" Les retorts. His tone is void of accusation and blame, but the words still sting. "You probably would have thought he is here to keep an eye on you, even though that not at all the reason he is here."

He places the contents in his hands on the table and turns around to face me. "I am not trying to be mean or hurt you, but it pains me to see my cousin like this and you are not giving him an inch. The last few months have not been easy on him and you may have noticed how tired he looks now.

He seems years older, has gotten even more quite and he barely sleeps. The boys are ready to stage an intervention." Les smiles. "I love you Steph, but give him a chance. He is trying really hard."

"I know" I whisper and tears pool in my eyes. "But I just don't know how." I admit.

Without uttering a word, Les comes closer and envelopes me into a hug. I wrap my arms around his midsection and bury my head into his muscular chest, just as the tears start running down my cheek.

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

"How is it going?" Tank questions, after we have the business part of our call behind us.

"She thought I had moved on" I answer and lean my head back onto the seat to look at the stars, which are out in full force tonight.

"You are kidding" Tanks chuckles. "If I have ever seen a love sick puppy...you are it."

"I can still kick your ass, even if I am a few hundred miles away." I state.

"Words with friends or Candy Crush doesn't count" Tank quips.

"She heard about me and Maria going to Rossini's" I inform him. "And she thought that we were a thing. I laid it all out there today, we will see what is going to come around by it." I didn't want to tell Les as there is nothing to tell yet. Plus he is too close to Steph and I don't want him to push her.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself man" Tank says, not for the first time in the past month. "At some point you gotta accept this and let go."

"It is not that easy" I admit. "I am sorry...here I am going on about Steph and burying you in work, when Lula…"

"It is fine" Tank cuts me off. "I am doing well and every day gets easier. But you know that, thanks to Bobby."

"I do" I nod. I was reluctant to leave Tank behind, but Bobby jumped in and assured me he would keep an eye on him while I am up here. Bobby is still keeping Tank away from the guns and armoury, just in case. "I can't give up Tank."

"I understand" Tank sighs. "Just take care of yourself. There has been talk about an intervention."

"HA" I laugh. "I'd like to see them try...thanks Tank."

"No worries" and with that he hangs up.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Tank and the others know that I would wait forever for her to come around. I would give up everything, the business, my houses, my fortune, even the shirt of my back to have my someday with her. All of that doesn't mean anything without her in my life.

My stomach grumbles, letting me know I should eat something at some point today. With a sigh, I get up and walk back inside, to find Les hugging Steph.

She obviously heard me coming in, because she lifts her head and moves away from Les, before wiping her tear stained cheeks with her fingers. I shoot Les a questioning look, but he only shakes his head.

"I am starving" I announce, when I spot the burgers and bacon on the table.

"Not looking after the temple today?" Steph questions verily. That she is even talking to me is already a big step, since she refused to do so for the past few months.

"Once in a while everybody needs a good burger and bacon" I flash her a smile and motion for her to sit down. "Les, you sure you made enough?...we all know how much you can eat!"

Steph snorts and Les just rolls his eyes. "Nothing wrong with a healthy appetite."

* * *

"Can't sleep?" I ask, after contemplating for over 15 minutes if I should join Steph out on the deck or not. I don't want to push or spook her.

"No" She shakes her head, but keeps staring out onto the dark beach. She is snuggled into a blanket and sitting on one leg, with the other one drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around it.

I sit down in the chair next to her and keep silent.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

He is obviously trying to give me my space and not pressure me, but the silence between us unnerves me. I prefer him screaming and shouting at me, at least then I know what mood he is in.

I am still scared to put myself out there, even though he told me how he felt. Like I said to Dr. Braddock, rejection hurts and I can deal with it from everyone but Ranger.

And I don't know how to start a normal conversation with him anymore. It used to be so easy and now I am lost for words. I can't bring up that day, I especially don't want to talk about that other day and I have been out of the loop on how the Rangers are doing, so that is out of the question too.

"I heard you own a house close to the clinic" I finally say, deciding that this may be a safe topic.

"I do" He responds. Simple. Short. As always. "I bought it just before you transferred to the clinic. It's nice. 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, living room and a big backyard right at the beach."

I whip my head around and look at him in shock. I never expected him to keep talking, because that is just not who he is. "That does sound nice" I nod. "Why did you buy it? You have a perfectly nice place in Trenton."

"I wanted to be here... in case you needed me." He admits.

"But what about Rangemen?" I probe.

"Tank is handling it" He assures me. "We talk every day and I can work from the house."

"That is a lot of holidays you are taking….you shouldn't waste them hanging around here." I tell him and as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I am hoping that he will disagree with me.

"I am not wasting them…" He says and looks right at me, as if he is trying to convey another message without voicing it out loud. My heart skips a beat or two. "Besides I have enough holidays saved. I could take off for a whole year if I wanted to."

"What would you do in that year? I bet two months into it, you would be bored out of your mind." I shoot him a small smile.

"I would travel. See some of the places again where I have been during my service, but never got the chance to explore" He shrugs. "But I wouldn't want to go alone. I definitely would need a travelling buddy"

I hold my breath. This sounds to me like an offer. For me. To go travelling with him. "Ranger…"

He just shakes his head and silences me. Silently telling me that I don't have to answer now and that we still have enough issues which need sorting out.

But am I ever going to be ready to put myself out there again? To ask for his forgiveness that I killed Lula and got Lester shot?

* * *

The next day we pack up to leave Martha's Vineyard. Ranger nor Les are pushing me to talk and we spend most of the day in comfortable silence. The weekend was great but also emotionally exhausting for me.

Ranger drops Les first of at the Train Station, who promises to come and visit next weekend again, before driving me to the Clinic. My heart drops a little, once I realise that I have to go back in there. I liked being able to dictate what I could and couldn't do.

"Thank you" I look at Ranger, when he pulls my bags out of the trunk of his car.

"You are welcome" He nods. Together we walk inside and he drops me and my bag off in my room, after letting the nurse know that I am back.

"I will see you in a couple of days" Ranger says, letting me know he will be attending the counselling session as usual.

"Ok" I nod, unsure on how to end our weekend.

He makes it easy for me and pulls me into a hug. The second he wraps his arm around me, I relax. I bury my head into the space between his shoulder and neck and wrap my arms around his midsection.

Ranger smells like Bvlgari and something uniquely him.

_I am Home._

"I am not going anywhere and I am not going to give up" He whispers, only for me to hear.

Even though it is an innocent hug, tears start running from my eyes and I can't stop them. His statement, with him so close, makes me highly emotional and I can feel my walls crumble.

I don't know how long we are standing there, but at some point he pulls away, wipes my tears away with his fingers, before squeezing my hands and walking away.

* * *

**What did you think?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Steph's POV**

_Monday Morning_

"So how was your weekend?" Dr Braddock questions and hands me a cup of hot chocolate.

"Thanks" I smile at him gratefully and wrap both of my cold hands around the hot cup. "It was good."

"Tell me about it." He suggests.

"You knew about this didn't you?" I ask instead.

"I did" He acknowledges with a nod.

"I am not sure if I am angry about that or not" I admit. "You knew I didn't want to talk to him, yet you ignored that completely."

"I did. But I had your best interests in mind." Braddock says.

"That is a new one" I mutter, before taking a sip of the delicious brown liquid. A small sigh escapes my lips when it makes me warm on the inside as well. "This is seriously good stuff."

"I know" He smirks and adds "What do you mean by 'That's a new one'?"

"Growing up and in recent years not a lot of people had my best interest in mind. My mother was always after what makes her look good. Dickie never cared in the first place and I think Joe did at beginning, but later on just reverted to what made him look good and what was in his best interest." I shrug.

"What about Ranger?" Dr Braddock probes. "Or your other friends?"

"I don't know...I guess they did" I shrug again. "I am just used to having what other people want and think pushed onto me."

"You told me that Ranger and your friends at Rangemen used to try to get you into the shooting range and into the gym. Do you think that they had your best interest in mind with that?" The Doc asks.

"Yes, I think so now. But I didn't see it that way back then." I admit.

"How did you see it?" I can already feel that this is going to be a session full of revelations and not even 10 minutes have passed.

"I thought they wanted to change me. My mother always wanted to change me and Joe was the same, so what else was I supposed to think." I tell him honestly. After this weekend I feel it is a lot easier to talk to him. What I wouldn't have admitted out loud last week, I seem to be volunteering this week.

"But Rangemen only wanted to change you in the sense of getting better at your job." A statement, not a question this time.

"They did" I nod. "I get that now."

"Because they didn't want you to get hurt or killed." Once again a statement, not a question.

"Yes" I nod again.

"Do you think that they still have your best interest in mind?" He asks.

"I don't know" I admit. "They took my choices out of my hands when they saved me. Coming here wasn't my idea either. Ranger arranged for everything."

"And what are you going to do about that?" Dr Braddock asks and I chose not to answer.

_"...You are the most important person in my life. I can't lose you."_

_"I am not going anywhere and I am not going to give up"_

"Nothing" I answer, surprising myself.

"A second ago, you said they took your choices away from you. You should do something about that." The Doc states.

"You know I am in here for attempted suicide right?" I look at him in disbelief. "You should be talking me of the ledge, not onto one. Besides Ranger holds my medical power, I can't make my own choices until he deems me fit enough to do so."

"Do you really think so?" the skinny man looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "Don't you think that if you really wanted something Ranger would let you do it? In one of our earlier sessions you said that he always supported you no matter how crazy the situation."

"And yet he saved my life, despite it being my choice to end it" I huff out.

"Have you asked him why?" The Doctor questions.

I just shake my head to answer. "No, but he said something on the weekend…He said 'I spent a great amount of time and effort to keep you among the living, for my own selfish reasons' and then he added that he loves me despite all the trouble I cause."

"So I think you have your answer, don't you?" the man sitting in the brown lazy boy opposite of me smiles. "I don't think you realize how much power you hold over this man. He is going through great lengths to save you and if you really wanted something he wouldn't hesitate to make it possible for you. So if you really wanted to die, a man of Ranger's influence and with his background would be able to make this possible for you. But my guess is that you don't want to die. You want to live and you want to do it with Ranger."

I mull that over for a few minutes. I suppose he is right. Ranger never shied away from helping me or supporting me no matter how crazy the situation was. Whenever I asked for help, he dropped everything to do so. And if I asked him to help me kill myself, I guess he would also help me.

"Tell me about Lula." Braddock suddenly says, breaking the silence and getting me out of my own head.

"What about Lula?" Is he trying to finally get me to talk about her? We have, well I have, avoided that subject since I got here. I turn my face away from him and towards the window. Talking about Ranger is one thing, talking about Lula a whole lotta different. My heart just sped up by the mention of her name.

With a sigh, I stand and walk over to the window. The sunny weather and calm Ocean don't agree with my sudden mood change. It makes me feel restless and uneasy.

Can I do this? Can I talk about her without bringing back the memories of what happened? Just imagining Lula's face makes my stomach curl and my heart ache. "Lula was one of my best friends and always had my back." My mouth seems to have decided to forgo my inner monologue and struggle and just blurt it out loud. Images which I have suppressed for the past few months, surface in the process. "Well except for when the cops showed up." I smile as I remember her hightailing it away from the scene of a crime so many times "She is...sorry was allergic to them. Probably had to do with the fact that she used to be a prostitute and cops didn't treat her well."

"How did you two meet?" Braddock questions.

"I was looking for Joe Morelli. He was wanted for murder at the time. Lula was working on Stark Street back then, selling her body for money. I found her on the fire escape of my apartment after Benito Ramirez beat her into a pulp and abused her, for giving me information about Morelli. I took her to the hospital and not long later she was working for Vinnie as well" Just remembering the state of her, when I found her makes me cringe.

"What was she like?" The Doc asks.

"Funny, loyal, took no shit from anybody" I smile. "When I think of her, the word 'loud' comes to mind...From her voice to the colours she wore. I don't think I ever saw her in dark coloured clothes...Oh wait expect for that one time."

"Tell me about it." Braddock demands softly and I can feel his eye on me, making sure that I am ok. Despite being a hard ass and always egging me on to reveal more of myself, he is a good doctor and always makes sure that I am good after our sessions.

"We had to break into this warehouse, which we saw our skip disappear into every night. He would go in there and not come out until the early morning hours. Lula dressed from top to bottom in black for this mission, complete with black, wedged boots, which were not made for chasing after FTA's." I laugh remembering how she justified her get up  _'They dress these actors up in all black for a reason white girl...those consultants know what they are doing'_

There is another long silence while I am trapped in my memories. Everything is coming back to me. The good, the bad and the funny times. "I miss her" I find myself telling Dr Braddock while still staring out the window. My heart is being squeezed together and I have a hard time breathing. "I miss my best friend…Despite her leaving me stranded more times than I can count or causing me more trouble than I was already in, because she wanted to shoot people...she was still my best friend...and I got her killed."

"I could have saved her." I swallow hard. "The Doctors said she was still alive when they arrived at the scene...that she would have had a chance, if I had helped her... But I decided to save Lester instead and she paid with her life for my choice." I swallow hard again to keep the emotions and tears in check, but the lump in my throat just won't go away.

"You had to make a decision." The Doc points out to me.

"But it was the wrong one" I reply harshly, turn towards him and wipe the tears running down my face angrily away with my hands. "It was the wrong one" I repeat in almost a whisper. "In my dreams I replay that day over and over again...trying to figure out what I could have done differently."

"Steph" Dr Braddock looks at me softly, with his legs crossed over one another. "I read the report. There was nothing you could have done differently. One would still have died, the other would have lived…. You couldn't have known that Lula was still alive. You said to the police that you didn't see any sign of life from where you were lying."

"I should have been stronger. I should have saved them both...I could have saved them both" I answer stubbornly. This is what has been eating me alive in my dreams. The choices I made that day were the wrong ones. Tank must hate me for what I have done and despite of what he said over the weekend, I still have a hard time believing that Ranger is just forgiving me for everything. "Had I not tackled Jimmy to the ground, none of this would have happened."

"But you did anyways, to prevent a shoot-out" Braddock points out.

"I didn't have my gun on me." I admit and wipe more tears from my face. "My gun was in the cookie jar. I figured that on my day off I wouldn't need it... So instead of pulling my gun, I tackled Jimmy, who killed Lula and nearly Lester as well."

"This is not your fault Steph" Dr Braddock assures me, like Lester.

"Just because you all keep saying it, doesn't make it true." I tell him and turn back to look out the window. "I didn't listen, I didn't take my gun, I didn't fight hard enough to help Lula and Les at the same time...I am alive and Lula is not. It should have been me."

"But it nearly was you" he reminds me. "You tried to kill yourself."

"Better me than Lula." I reply.

"Then you both would have been dead. What is the point in that?" Braddock asks.

"One screw up less in the world" I retort. "That is obviously what everyone wants."

"Not everyone" The doctor points out.

"Maybe not Ranger...or Lester" I shrug, remembering Ranger's words.

"You remember the quote from the walking dead?" He asks.

"Dying is easy, watching people around you die is the hard part. So to think that it would be easier for you to die and leave them behind, believe me it is not! Because they keep on living, knowing that you are gone and they are still here." I repeat his words from last week.

"We already established that Ranger is already one person that cares a great deal about you and wouldn't want you dead." The Doc points out.

"I guess so" I shrug.

The Doc stands and walks over to stand next to me at the window. "Let's say you had your gun, you didn't tackle Jimmy and then what? Walk me through it."

"Together we would have subdued him, brought him to jail, where he belongs." I answer immediately.

"From what Ranger told me and what I have read in the files I was provided, it sounds like Jimmy didn't come there to be taken to jail. To me it sounds like he came there to kill you, presumably so you wouldn't come after him. After all, you always got your man and I assume he knew it wouldn't be any different with him. Sooner or later you would have found him. Wasn't he the one who pulled the gun first?" I have never heard the Doc talk so much in one go. He is much like Ranger. When he talks, he says what he needs to with as little words as possible.

"Yes he did" I nod, remembering it like it was yesterday. "Les told him to get back into his car, but he didn't listen. Lula and he made some joke about Les not having fulfilled his weekly quota of shooting people and I didn't think twice to use that distraction to tackle Jimmy. I heard the gun go off, but I didn't stop to look.

Only when the gun went off a second time, I looked up when heard Les grunt and … and there was so much blood running down his neck… the expression on his face will haunt me for the rest of my life. Jimmy used that moment to push me over, kick me repeatedly before leaving...Lula was just lying there...not moving and Les, he was still breathing, looking at me for help...I couldn't let him die."

"You did everything right Steph" The Doc assures me. "Playing 'what if' is a dangerous thing and nothing good will come off it. It will be a hard task accepting that there was nothing you could have done differently. It also will be a hard task accepting that there are still people out there that love you and want you to keep on living."

"Life is just too hard" I admit. "The constant guessing what people think or what they perceive as the right or wrong thing to do. Their expectations...it's just too much."

"Are you speaking about Ranger or your family?" Braddock asks.

"Both" I answer.

"Elaborate on that please." He pushes and out of my peripheral vision I can see him turning his head to look at me.

"Ranger would always say things like 'I don't do relationships', 'I love you in my own way' or 'This is the kind that doesn't call for a ring. But a condom might come in handy'. But then he would come and save my life, loan me cars, let me work for him when I needed it, kiss me in the alleyway or let me stay on the seventh floor. I even caught him breaking into my apartment and watching me sleep whenever he came back from a mission." I tell him and wrap my arms around my chest again. "It gave me a whiplash and I didn't know what to think about it."

"My family is a whole different story. My sister is the perfect one. Always wore pretty dresses, got married, had a bunch of kids and settled down not far from my parents….I on the other hand rather wore jeans than dresses, jumped of roof tops because I wanted to be wonder woman and refused to get married and have kids." I explain. "My whole life they pushed their expectations on me and even as an adult now, nothing I do is good enough. Hell my mother called me useless and a shame to her family on the day before…."

"Before what?" He probes.

"I tried... tried to kill myself." I turn away from the window start pacing the room. Feeling restless has just reached a whole other level.

"What happened that day? What pushed you over the edge?" Braddock asks when he returns to his lazy boy.

"Four weeks after the funeral. I was out of food for Rex...my Hamster. So I went to the store. My mother was there, Joe and his Grandmother Bella." I swallow hard as I get lost in the memory.

_"Can't believe she finally got someone killed" Some woman in the front mumbles._

_"I feel for you Helen. Your train wreck of a daughter gives you nothing but grieve. Your poor thing" Another woman says and pats my mother's shoulder._

_"Why me? How do I deserve this? I tried to raise her well. It is bad enough that she is hanging around with all those criminals, now I am not only known as the mother of the Bombshell Bounty Hunter, but also as a killer's mother" My mother sighs dramatically._

_"You cannot change her. It won't be long before it happens again" Joe mutters._

_"She is useless, that's what she is!" My mother exclaims and her words sting._

_"You can be glad you didn't marry her Josef." Grandma Bella says to her Grandson._

_"If something like this would happen to me, I would kill myself. I wouldn't be able to live with the shame I brought to my family." One woman in the front says._

_"She brought more than enough shame to my family. My phone has been ringing constantly. Why me?" My mother cries out and shakes her head._

_"Even that handsome looking Security Guy seems to distance himself from her. I saw him with a beautiful Latina at Rossini's the other night. I can understand him, after all Stephanie nearly killed one of his men too" someone says and my heart stops. This would explain why Ranger has not been around, he has already found someone else._

"Steph….Steph" I can feel Dr Braddock's hands around my torso, holding me upright. "Come on let's sit you on the couch."

I let him guide me to the couch, utterly grateful for is support. My legs are wobbly and I am shaking all over.

"You are ok...you are safe." He repeats over and over again, until I stop shaking.

"It still hurts. Hearing her tell everyone what shame I brought to her family and then the woman saying that Ranger moved on. It was more than I could handle." I find myself telling him. "That night I lay awake and I was in pain like I have never known before." Tears start falling down my face, but this time I just let them. "All I wanted was to live my life, but everyone seems to have an opinion on how I should do it. When I divorced my cheating husband, the shit I had to listen to for that…" I shake my head.

"Ever tried to tell your family how you feel?" Doc probes.

"I tried. But it is like talking to a brick wall." I admit.

"Maybe it is time to confront them once and for all."

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

"Are you insane?" I look at Steph's therapist as if he has grown two heads. "Nothing...I repeat nothing good can come of this. They are evil and vicious people who don't deserve her." I nearly shout, that is how angry I am at him for even suggesting this to my Babe.

"It is not your decision to make" He tells me sternly. "I have left it with Steph and she can decide what she wants to do with it. I am only informing you, because you hold her medical power. It is her life. Let her make the decisions. And as her doctor I believe it is the best thing for her."

"I am not liking this" I admit with a sigh and rub my hands over my face. "What if this makes it worse?"

"Then we will be here to catch her….Do you love her?" He suddenly asks and I narrow my eyes at him, trying to gauge where he is going with this.

"You already know the answer." I retort.

"I do know the answer, but I think you have never admitted it out loud without some sort of stipulation." He says, not knowing that I did just that on the weekend. "So...do you love her?"

"With every fibre of my being" I nod without hesitation. "I told her that I loved her on the weekend."

"Without stipulation?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Without stipulation" I nod again.

"Then support her, whatever her decision may end up being." He suggests.

"I always do."

* * *

**What did you think?** **Leave a note below**


	9. Chapter 9

**Ranger's POV**

_A week later_

"It will be good for you" The Doc assures Babe just before we get on the private plane I hired for us. Steph is nervous enough to confront her parents, I didn't want her to have to be around other people during the flight as well.

Since her parents didn't want to come to the Hamptons, we have to go and see them in Trenton. To say that I was furious when the email came in is an understatement. I punched a hole into the kitchen wall, that's how angry I was. Here I believed that after all that's happened, they have at least some love for their daughter left. Guess I was wrong.

This past week Steph has come to see me at my house every afternoon, after her daily counselling sessions and group activities. She always stayed for dinner before I drove her back to the clinic. We have only been talking about meaningless stuff like the weather, Les, nature, but not anything deeper than that. Apart from that, we spent the afternoon/ evening watching TV, playing board or card games, or just sitting outside with me working and her reading a book.

I don't want to push her and I want her to get used to me again, to let me in, to trust me. Every hug I get from her when she walks into my house and when she leaves again, shows me that we are making process.

What I really want to do is kiss her, but I will wait and be patient.

By the time we make it to Haywood, it is very late. We leave Braddock in one of the apartments on the third Floor and make our way up to seven.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted to sleep here or have your own space" I tell her when I open the door to my apartment. Not for the first time in the past few months, I feel unsure of what to do. "There is an apartment on the third floor or you can sleep here. I will take the couch."

"If I sleep here, I will take the couch. I am not putting you out of your own bed" Babe responds, as she walks past me and through the doorway.

"That part is not up for discussion. If you sleep up here, you will take the bed" I tell in her in no uncertain terms.

"Fine" She concedes with a huff, making me smile. I close the door and bring our luggage into the open space that serves as kitchen, dining and living room, while Steph looks around. "Nothing has changed here" she observes and smiles at the pop tarts sitting on the kitchen island with a welcome home note from Ella.

"Not quite. I have a few additions on my wall." I nod over to the wall next to the bedroom door, above the sofa. When Julie was here a couple of years ago, she decided the wall looked to bare, so she hung up pictures. Most show her and me, but in recent months, Julie and I added pictures of Steph and me and the core team.

"How is Julie?" Steph asks as she makes her way over to the pictures.

"She is good. She got accepted to Columbia Law School" I inform her with a smile. I couldn't be prouder. Julie and I celebrated this by driving to New York and getting her everything she needs for school and all the swag they had there.

"I am sorry you haven't seen her much lately" Steph's voice sounds full of regret.

"Don't be" I come up behind her and pull her into my chest, so that her head is tugged under my chin with both of us facing the pictures. "Julie understands." I shrug. "Besides she will see enough of me now that she is moving to New York. She will get sick of me before long."

* * *

_The next morning_

"Good Morning" Babe smiles at me and nods at Braddock, when she emerges from the bedroom. After our moment in front of the wall, we called it a night and went to sleep. Me on the couch and Babe in my bed.

Unfortunately I discovered that the couch may be really nice to sit on, but is not made for sleeping on it for eight hours. I don't know how Tank slept on it for a month. Hence my first call this morning was to Ella and Louis. I sent them out to buy a new couch on speed delivery. Not that I am going to tell Babe that, because then she will insist in moving downstairs, so that I can have my bed back and that is not going to happen. I like her in my space.

I shoot her a smile in return and pick up my coffee mug. Babe's brown curls have been pulled into a ponytail, she is wearing no makeup and she is dressed in a tight fitting black sweater and washed out blue jeans, with her black CAT boots finalizing her outfit. She must have raided my closet and found the items that I haven't been able to pack up and bring her. Just like I like having her in my space, I also like having some of her things in my apartment.

"I will leave you two for a moment and wait down by the car" Doc excuses himself and closes the door on his way out.

"How are you?" I ask, while watching her carefully.

"It is…." She starts and wanders around.

"Come here" I hold out my hand and to my surprise she takes it. With one tug I pull her into my lap. One of my arms wraps around her waist and the other comes to rest on her knee. "What is going on up there in your pretty head?" I don't want to pressure her into talking, but I do need her to know, that I want to know what she is feeling and thinking, that I want to be there and help her.

"It is strange... being here I mean" Babe confesses after a moment of silence and instead of looking at me, she suddenly seems very interested in her fingernails instead. "It is familiar, yet different and….and I don't know how to act around the guys. They all know...they all know everything and I wonder what they must think off me…"

I want to interject, but something makes me keep my mouth shut, hoping that she will keep talking.

"Their boss is spending every week in the Hamptons, because I am a nut case. My inability to carry a gun has caused their friend to be shot and their other friend's girlfriend is dead, because of that. I haven't seen Tank yet and I am incredibly nervous, because he must hate me and part of me wants him to hate me, as this will make it so much easier." She draws a deep breath and clamps her lips shut, obviously trying to keep herself from saying any more.

"Whoever has an issue with me spending time in the Hamptons to be closer to you, can walk right back out of that front door." I reply as calmly as possible. Just the thought of it makes me angry. "I understand it is weird for you to be here, but trust me when I say, that the guys probably feel the same. They all love you and want what is best for you. Believe me they all were mad at themselves and helpless when...after you tried to kill yourself." There is no need to talk around it. It happened and the elephant in the room needs to be addressed "So now, they don't know how to act around you, because they do not want to push, upset or hurt you. As for Tank, we will see him tomorrow night. I invited him around for dinner and I am sure he does not hate you."

"Mad at themselves?" Steph head snaps up and when she finally looks at me, I see anger. "Why would they be mad at themselves? They didn't do anything...they didn't cause this."

"Because they feel like they could have done more to prevent this. To help you...be there for you." I run my hand up her back to her neck and gently massage it. "They felt as helpless as I did." I add in an almost whisper.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

_One hour later_

Ranger pulls up at the curb in front of my parents' house. It all looks the same and I can already see the neighbours looking through their curtains, hoping to see something worth gossiping about.

"I will be right there with you" Ranger assures me and squeezes my hand before getting out of the car. I get out too, along with Dr. Braddock. Starring up the house in which I grew up in, I take a deep breath. I once again find Ranger's hand and lace my fingers with his. With him at my side I feel stronger, I feel like I can get through this.

The past week was nice. He didn't push me and he simply let me be. Part of me wants to kiss him every time he is near, but the other part is holding back. First I need to sort my own head out, before I can even think about kissing Ranger.

I talked to Dr. Braddock the other day about this and I realised that I still have a long way to go. He keeps saying that I need to forgive myself for what happened to Lula, but I don't think that that is ever going to happen.

The front door opens and out comes my mother. "You are late" is the only thing that she says, before disappearing back into the house. I take a deep breath, before I pull away from Ranger and follow my mother inside.

Nothing has changed in this house and to my surprise my parents followed Dr Braddock's request for the meeting to be only between the five of us, as my sister and her brood are absent.

As usual my father sits in his recliner and mutes the TV when we walk in, while my mother finds a seat on the other armchair and the three of us sit down on the couch.

"I am Dr. Braddock" Doc holds out a hand, which my parents shake reluctantly. "We emailed last week…"

"Why don't we cut to the chase here, Doctor" My mother interrupts him with pursed lips. Which is funny, because she always had impeccable manners. "You are here, because Stephanie tried to kill herself and now probably told you some lies, how we are the bad parents. I can assure you that we are not. We only ever wanted the best for her and all she did was go against us."

"Mrs Plum…" Doc starts again, but once again gets interrupted by my mother. My eyes fall to my father, who just sits there stone faced, looking at the muted TV. Once upon a time my father and I got along well, but Mom has had him on the short leash for a long while now for god knows what reasons.

"No! I tried to help, I tried to be understanding, but she refused to see reason and then went and got involved with these criminals." My mother interjects. "Everything went downhill from there. But does my daughter listen? No. She wanted to play cops and robbers, instead of settling down. I tried, I really tried, but enough is enough.

She brought enough shame to this family and now someone is dead because of her actions. And once again Stephanie takes the easy way out. Instead of facing everyone, she hid away and then tried to kill herself. And of course now she is here and blames us for all that has happened, but I am not taking this any longer."

"You are delusional" Ranger growls and Dr. Braddock shoots him a pointed look.

"If anyone is to blame it should be you Mr Manoso" My mother regards him with a hateful stare. "You encouraged her. You should have turned her away and stopped supporting her. This is as much your fault as it is hers."

"Someone needed to encourage her and tell her that she can get better, that she can be good at her job, since all you did was belittle her. You made her feel worthless and useless." I can feel Ranger radiating with anger. "This was all an accident and yet you are still blaming Steph. She is as much a victim as Lester and Lula are. No one is at fault here, but the person who killed our friend."

Hearing Ranger say those words, moves something inside me and I look at my mother in a complete new light. I shake my head, tears brimming in my eyes and a sad chuckle escapes my lips. "Something funny Stephanie?" She asks in that downgrading tone, which she has used on me since I was a child. I take a deep breath and swallow hard. I cannot let Ranger fight my battles for me any longer. This is my war not his.

"Yeah, what is funny is that you are still sitting here, belittling me and Ranger instead of supporting me and my decisions." I shake my head again and Ranger takes my hand in his, silently giving me the support I need, even though in this moment I don't need it. His words were enough. "You put me through hell….my whole childhood I was never enough. Valerie was always better and you never let me forget that."

"I had to fight for myself, I had to learn to be strong on my own. After Lula died, hearing those words you spoke at the hospital and the supermarket, I just wanted all of that to stop. With your belittling, downgrading and poisonous personality you nearly killed your daughter" By now I am nearly screaming at my mother, whose face has turned white as a sheet. For the first time in my life, I am standing up to her. "Had it not been for Ranger, I would not be sitting here. Ranger is a good man, he is kind, has helped me more in the few years I have known him than you ever did and he loves me just the way I am.

You ruined my life...A mother is supposed to be supportive, is supposed to be nurturing and is supposed to listen to her kids wishes, but you never did any of that." I bring my free hand to my face and wipe away the few tears that managed to escape. "I am sorry that I wasn't the perfect daughter, I am sorry that I wasn't enough for you to love me and I am sorry I am not what you wished for. But all I needed and wanted was your unconditional love and support. Maybe everything would have turned out to differently.

I am sorry what I put you through during my time as a BEA. I really am. God knows what I would do if my daughter would get into life threatening situations, but that doesn't mean I need to get screamed or shouted at or reminded that Val or such and such's daughter would never do something like this.

I wished you would see the error of your ways at some point, Mother, that you regret the way you treated me, but I know it will never happen. I forgive you, for everything, but I am done. After today, you and I have nothing to say to each other anymore. For all you know, we are strangers that never met. Try to explain that to your so called friends, which you clearly value more than your daughter." And with that I stand and walk out of the door without another word.

Outside in the front yard, I bent over, place my hands on my thighs and take deep breaths. I have the feeling I need to throw up and I didn't think it would hurt this much to make a break with my parents, but it does. The years of hurt she caused me, that my father never said anything, that I let her bring me to this, the childhood I wish I'd had...all of it hurts like hell to finally acknowledge. "It's okay" Ranger whispers and starts rubbing my back. I didn't hear him follow me outside.

"It shouldn't hurt this much" I say between deep breaths, while tears fall straight from my eyes to the ground and disappear into the green grass, which is cut at the exact height of 15 mm like all the other front yards in the Burg. "After all these years, it shouldn't hurt this much." I repeat.

"You have been holding back a long time, Steph." The Doc says when he crouches down in front of me. I lift my head slightly to look at him. "You have been taking the hits and locking it away. They are family to you and making a clean break with family is terrifying. I get the impression that the more they belittled you, the more you tried to gain their love. Most do."

"I didn't want to be alone" It dawns on me.

"Exactly" Doc nods. "But you didn't think of turning to your other family...the one that would never leave you alone." He adds softly and looks in the direction of Ranger.

I take another deep breath and stand up straight. "You are right. Ranger and my friends are my real family. They love unconditionally and always back me up. Trying to change me to better myself and not to change who I am. I just never realised it."

"Progress" Doc smiles and leads the way of my parent's front yard and towards Rangers Cayenne.

"I think I want to go to Joe's." I tell both men. I have a few choice words to say to the man who once claimed her loved me.

"I am not sure that is a good idea Babe…" Ranger looks worriedly at me and then at the Doc for confirmation.

"Let's do it tomorrow. One emotional encounter is enough for the day" The Doc agrees.


	10. Chapter 10

**Everything Doc says, is me purely guessing and nowhere based on how psychiatrists work.**

* * *

**Steph's POV**

_Later that day_

After we left my parents' house, Ranger dropped Doc of at Haywood and drove us to the mall.

First we went to the cinema and watched Baywatch. He asked me to pick the movie; what can I say I love Zac Efron and the Rock and he only complained about the bad CGI after the movie was over. He treated me to 'VIP' seats, plenty of popcorn, nachos and drinks and even held my hand all the way through the movie. It made me feel like a teenager on her first date. After the movie, he bought me food at the Food Court, took me window shopping and treated me to a few very competitive rounds of Air Hockey, all of which he unfortunately won.

"I had a great time" I smile at him and get out of the car as well, once we are safely parked in his parking spot at Rangemen.

"Me too" He holds out his hand for me to take. Like I said, a teenager on her first date. The butterflies have not stopped flapping their wings since we stepped out of the car at the Mall.

Once we get to the fifth floor, I realize that it is shift change at Rangemen and everyone is assembled for the shift handover. As soon as I step out of the elevator everyone falls quiet and turns to look at us. Ranger nudges me gently forward, just when Hal pushes his way through the crowd and comes to stand right in front of me with a big ass grin on his face. Without saying a word, he picks me up and spins us around and around, until my head goes all funny from all the spinning. "Welcome home, Bomber" he grins, when he sets me down onto my very wobbly feet.

After that, one Merry Man after the other steps forward and hugs the air out of me. They are my real family and I didn't see it until now.

"I would hug you Angelita, but then that would go against my reputation" Hector smiles and draws me into a hug anyways.

"Everyone knows you are a big, bad softy Hec" My reply muffled by his Rangemen jumper and his muscular chest.

"Only for you..." He presses a kiss on the top of my head, before walking off to finish his shift.

"See...not so bad after all" Ranger says from behind me and right in that moment I know that he did this on purpose. And if I don't love him more for that. "But I may need to hand out a few matt times, just for the way they hugged you" He ads in a grumble.

"Pfft, as if" I smile.

* * *

_Later that night_

For the millionth time I turn around to the other side, trying to go to sleep. Today was a great day and I am far too happy to go to sleep. It was by far the best day I have had in ages. That all my Merry Men welcomed me back with open arms was the icing on the cake.

I can feel the weight of everything slowly lifting of my shoulders. Confronting my mother today, was a huge step, according to Doc Braddock. Maybe sometime soon, I can leave the clinic for good. But every time I think of leaving, I get scared. What if this happens again? What if I get depressed and cannot find a way out? Can I count on Ranger to be there and pull me out again?

And where will I go after I leave the Hamptons? Can I return to Trenton? I will have to, I suppose. Ranger is here. Rangemen Headquarters is here. He hinted at taking an extended time off, but that man is a workaholic who loves his job and his company. I would never ask him to choose. But if I come back here, what would I do? I can't just sit on my hands and do nothing.

I would need some serious training if I wanted to continue as a BEA and going back to working for Vinnie or Rangemen, I am not sure if I can or even want to do that anymore. I like puzzles and mysteries, but risking my life was never my agenda. Trouble just always found me.

But that leaves me still with no idea on what to do with the rest of my life. With a sigh and a few frustrated knocks with my head against the pillow, I give up. I quickly put my jeans and t-shirt back on, a pair of bright pink wool socks and Ranger's jumper jacket that he wore today. It smells like him and like a stalker I sniff it just because it makes me smile.

I grab my phone of the nightstand and wander out into the living room. I heard Ranger leave an hour ago, talking to someone assumingly on the phone. Which means he is probably gone to some sort of emergency.

Watching TV or playing video games doesn't appeal to me, so the only way to keep me entertained is to join the poor sucker who is pulling monitor duty. Decision made, I grab a key fob out of the bowl next to the door and make my way downstairs.

* * *

"Can't sleep?" Hal asks as soon as I step into the control room without turning his head. He must have followed me on the cameras.

"Less spying on Haywood's occupants, more watching the houses and business you secure" I try to imitate Ranger's voice, but end up giggling to myself.

"You can help me" Hal pushes the chair he just had his feet on towards me.

"That's why I came down here for. Definitely not the company" I smile and take a seat.

"Ranger left to deal with an emergency in Philly. He should be back by morning." Hal informs me, without me having to ask for it.

"Yeah, I figured when I heard him leave" I reply. "Where is the second person that is supposed to be here as well?"

"A skip broke Manny's arm last night and they couldn't get a replacement in" He explains and slides a bowl of cheesy puffs towards me with a sly smile.

"Hal...Hal...I promise I won't tell the boss" I smirk. "How did that happen? Is he doing ok?"

"Bobby took him to the hospital and he has a cast for at least four weeks. Skip took a steal pipe to fight Manny off" Hal shrugs "and our friend couldn't move as fast as the bastard could swing that pipe."

"I assume the skip was handed over in a less than pristine condition" I know how these guys handled things. Someone hurt their own, a punch to the gut or to the face, would almost right the wrong. Unless it involves me, then they usually end up missing or dead in prison.

"He may have banged his head against the car by accident" Hal smirks. "How are you doing Steph?"

"I am…" For a second I think about lying to Hal, but I know there is no use. A) I am a bad liar and B) he is my friend who happens to care about me. "I am getting there, I think. It's difficult to get past everything you are feeling and see it from a neutral perspective. Hard to accept that people do care and want you around" I shrug. "Talking to Dr. Braddock helps and the fact that Ranger is too stubborn to leave me be, helps too."

"He was in a bad place after you tried to kill yourself. Ranger was a shell of his former self and Les had to force him to go home while you were in the hospital." I heard this before from Les himself, but hearing it from Hal as well, really drives it home. I hurt Ranger as much as I hurt myself. "Hell, all of us weren't ourselves." He shrugs and suddenly turns towards me. "Bomber, no matter what, you can always come to talk to me. I promise I won't judge, just listen."

I really thought I had no more tears left in me, but I was wrong. "C 'mere" Hal pulls me into his broad, muscles chest and brings his arms around me. "You. Are. Not. Alone….you hear me?" I merely nod as an answer. "We are all here for you. No matter what. You are family!" And that is what does me in completely. The floodgates open and I cry my heart out.

Hal pulls me onto his lap, wraps his arms tighter around me and turns us back towards the monitors, so that he can still keep an eye on them.

"I didn't think about it, when I snapped." I confess after a long while. "I overheard that Ranger was on a date with another woman, you guys all stayed away...so I just figured it was easier this way. No one would care anyways. Now I see that I was wrong...

Lula always brought me back out of my slums. Always showed up and took my mind of things, when everything else just seemed to blow up around me. Which is funny since she always had a way of disappearing on me when the Cops showed up. But she was just always there. And neither Ranger nor you guys knew how to help and I should have asked for help, but I just couldn't. I am sorry I caused so much hurt, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to make it easier for everyone."

"For us it would be worse if you were dead. You lighten this place up. Make a bunch of ex cons and veterans smile and laugh and I speak for everyone when I say you are family. You made us care, so we are not letting go of you that easily."

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

_The next morning_

When I walked onto the fifth floor last night and I saw Babe sitting on Hal's lap, I got instantly jealous. But when I heard what he said to her, I knew I had no reason to be. I am glad she is opening up to someone that isn't Dr. Braddock, even if it isn't me.

So I took my ass into my office and left the door open to watch them from across the room. At some point Babe crawled back into her own seat and soon after they were both laughing and talking loudly. When she hadn't realized that I was home already, after a while I made myself known. Babe joined me in the office while I got some more work done and ended up falling asleep on my office couch. I didn't have the heart to wake her up, so instead I carried her up to seven and tugged her fully dressed into bed. I have only so much restrained and undressing Babe is one too many temptations.

Instead of getting some sleep myself, I went to the gym before going back to my office.

"You look like shit" Braddock remarks when he walks into my office at 10am.

"Well thanks Doc" I reply dryly, without looking up from the email I am reading.

"It is better if you stay here" Braddock cuts right to the reason for his early morning visit." I have gathered from talking to Stephanie that Mr Morelli does not like you…"

"That would be an understatement" I snort. "I will stay...I don't like it, but I will stay."

"Stephanie needs to do this by herself. It is the only way for her to get better." Doc nods. "She needed you yesterday to pull through and make the final cut, but today she knows she has your silent support, so she won't need you right there."

"You can drive the Cayenne and I have two of my guys follow you." The further away I stay from Morelli's place the better or I might go and do something stupid, like kill him. The only way he is still alive, is because I have spent the last few months by Babe's side or holed up in my office.

"Perfect" Doc nods, just when Steph joins us in my office.

"Ready to go?" She asks and looks from Braddock to me and back.

"You are taking the Cayenne" I throw her the keys, while her eyes grow wide in surprise.

"Are you sure about that?" Babe questions with a raised eyebrow.

"Yupp" I nod. "Just don't make it go to the car heaven. I am rather attached to this one."

Hal, who in that moment walks past my open office door, interjects "I am putting it on the list. I am betting it will last five hours in Bombers care."

Babe flips him off with a smile and a shake of her head. "Car Heaven?" Braddock questions.

"I have a tendency to destroy any car I drive" Babe just shrugs and pockets the keys. "If Ranger wants to throw away 60 Grand, who am I to stop him?" She shoots me a devilish smile and wanders out of my office. "HAL" She shouts "I am betting I am going to make it the full day!"

"This place is good for her" Braddock motions behind him at the office. "She is well loved."

"She doesn't care about our background. Criminal or Veteran, she treats them all the same. In return they love her unconditionally." I shrug.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

_An hour later_

"I don't need to go in" I inform Doc, without moving my eyes from Joe's house where I spent the better part of my 20's. We are leaning on Ranger's Cayenne with our Rangemen SUV tail parked further down the road.

"And why is that?" He asks, also staring at the brick house.

"I just realized that I have nothing to say to him." I shrug. "I was done with him the minute I finally acknowledged my feelings for Ranger."

"How do you feel standing here in front of his house though?" Doc asks and crosses his arms over his chest.

"A bit of a stereotypical question, Doc" I laugh. "Honestly, I feel almost content. There is nothing to be resolved with Joe. Like I said, we were done the minute I finally admitted that I am in love with Ranger." I keep quiet for a moment, before all my thoughts spill out of my mouth.

"Joe and I had many good times, but the bad times...they were really bad. I know he cheated on me and I cheated on him. For people who were supposed to be in love, we were really lousy to each other. He asked me many times to marry him, I even said yes a couple of times, but it was more due to the fact that Ranger was unavailable than my love for Joe."

Tears spring into my eyes and I really try to hold them back, but fail miserably. "Part of me wishes I could have given Joe everything he wanted... a family, a white picket fence, a housewife, but I am just not that person. I get why Joe shouted at me when I got hurt or was in danger. He loved me, but I needed his support not his anger. He wanted to suppress who I am, Ranger made me feel alive and helped me fly."

"I should have been better at that" A familiar voice suddenly says behind me, making Doc and I whip our heads around. In the distance I hear the Rangemen SUV doors open and our escorts getting out; ready to protect me from Joe. "I should have let you fly." Joe looks thinner than the last time I saw him, his eyes haunted and his hair more grey.

"Joe" I manage to get out.

"I am Doctor Braddock" Doc holds out his and Joe shakes it.

"Nice to meet you" Joe nods, before his eyes come back to meet mine. "I am glad you are okay….After I heard what happened I tried to get information, tried to contact you, but they wouldn't tell me anything at the hospital. Ranger has kept a tight lid on everything and he wouldn't tell me anything either….Fuck Steph, I am so sorry"

Looking right into his eyes, I can see that he is telling the truth. He really is sorry. "I know that saying sorry doesn't make up for anything or probably won't mean anything to you, but I am truly sorry. I was angry and worried and as usually that means I wasn't at my best self. I should have checked on you, I should have been there."

My throat clocks up and I have a hard time swallowing. Hearing him say that, eases something within me and just when the tears start falling, I step forward and wrap my arms around Joe. I am not sure how long we are standing there just holding one another, with him letting me cry into his jumper, but at some point I hear Doc getting into the car and giving us space.

Something wet drops on my head and when I lift my head, I can see Joe crying as well. "Shit Steph...you scared the hell out of me. If you...if you were dead, I would never forgive myself...hell I am not forgiving myself. I should have been better, I should have been what you needed, even if it was just a friend. Thank god for Ranger." He tugs my head back under his shin and I close my eyes, enjoying the embrace.

Joe and I were friends first and then a couple. Maybe at some point we can go back to being friends. "I just didn't see another way out. When I heard what my mother said at the supermarket, my world just broke down around me. Ranger was always there and then he wasn't."

"Your mother is toxic, evil and she does not have a good bone in her body. I knew you were in line waiting and I didn't put a stop to it. My own anger getting in the way of doing what's right. Hell I became a cop to save people, not to get them killed." I can feel him shaking his head. "You should have seen him, after you...after you almost died. Ranger loves you, the way I could never love you. Unconditionally."

"I know" I sigh and finally let go of him. I wipe my face with my palms, suddenly glad I didn't put any makeup on today. Ranger prefers me without it and even once referred to it as war paint.

"I love you Steph and I am sorry that it had to come to this. I know you will come out of this stronger than ever. You deserve it all. But please, if that dick ever breaks your heart, don't do this again. Call me at any time." Joe tells me and smiles softly.

"I love you too. I don't think he will, but it is good to know" I nod and manage a small smile of my own. Just when he is about to pull away, I hold on tighter. "I forgive you."

"Oh cupcake" Joe pulls me even tighter into his arms. "I don't deserve it, but it means a lot that you going to give it to me. Take care of yourself and let me know the next time you are in town." With that he let's go of me, crosses the lawn and disappears into his house. A small smile spreads on my lips and I sigh in relief.

Joe is not a bad guy, but his Italian temper gets in his way more often than not. He wanted the best for me, but our versions what is best for me were never the same. Joe is right, he should stepped in, stopped the nastiness, but that I tried to kill myself is not his fault. It is mine.

"Are you okay?" Doc asks, when he steps out of the car, to join me once again next to the car.

"I should have reached out, I should have tried to get help, but I just lost my best friend, everyone pulled back because I wouldn't talk, so I didn't see another way out. It is no one's fault but my own that it came to this." I tell him and turn to face him.

"For all parties involved it is difficult to gauge what the person in distress needs. When in distress and depressed, people get something like tunnel vision. The only thing they see is what is right in front of them, usually the loss of a friend, negative things and so on. They can't see the people trying to help them. Don't blame yourself for what has happened. You physically couldn't make yourself see what is around you." Doc explains. "The only thing we can do, is try to prevent this from happening in the future. Give you pointers on how to deal with depression and negative feelings"

I mull that over for a moment and nod in agreement. "Let's go. I am hungry and fucking freezing." I tell him and walk around the Cayenne to the driver side.


	11. Chapter 11

**Steph's POV**

"OH man….really?" I look at the blocked intersection, where two trucks have hit one another and shake my head. "I am starving and was really looking forward to Ella's lunch today...she promised no twigs and barks."

"Twigs and Barks?" Doc looks at me with amusement.

"Ranger's rules. No Sweets allowed in the office. All they get is healthy stuff. So twigs and barks is what I have to make do with when I am there...well mostly. Ella is the best and sneaks in a few exceptions" I grin. "Ranger wants all his people to be in top form."

"I gather you are not a fan of healthy food." Doc's grin widens as I shudder.

"God no!" I cry out with a disgusted face to go along with it. "Doughnuts, Twinkies, pineapple upside down cake..those are my food groups."

"Then you must hate the food at the clinic as well" He points out and I barely stop myself from poking my tongue out at him like a child. He knows that they only serve healthy options at the clinic.

"The food was probably Rangers deciding factor to sent me to you guys" I grumble, making good ol' Doc laugh. With a sigh I add "This is going nowhere, we have to find another way around."

It takes me 15 minutes, a lot of honking, New Jersey hand gestures and swearing to manoeuvre the Cayenne from the middle lane to the far right turn off one to get out off the intersection, but in the end I manage to do so without a scratch to the car. "I am exhausted, but at least the car is still in one piece" I huff out with a proud smile.

"Seems like you will…" Doc starts, but I waive him off.

"Don't say it...don't jinx me" I plead. "I have the worst luck." Just when I round the corner away from the intersection, I realize where this road leads to. My throat clocks up and I have a hard time swallowing, but keep driving straight anyways. A few minutes later the cemetery comes up on our right hand side and I pull into the parking lot. "Steph…" Doc says in a warning tone, when he reads the lettering above the heavy, Iron wrought gate.

"I think it is time for me to do this...alone" I spare him with a quick glance where I see him nod, before I get out of the car.

"If you need me, just call out" Doc says and rolls down the window.

I nod in acknowledgement, before making my way around the car and towards the gate. I take a deep breath, before pushing the gate open and walking down the paved walkway. This is only the third time I have been here. The first time I came here when we buried Grandma Mazur three years ago and the second time for Lula's funeral.

I am only coming here today for closure with Lula. I never visited Grandma's grave, because I didn't see the sense in it. Memories of her live on with me, not with some whole in a ground decorated with a stone and flowers. I was lucky enough to have known her for such a long time, which gives me a lot to remember her by.

Making a split second decision, I turn of the main path and walk to my left, where Grandma is buried. Once I reach the grave, it takes me a few seconds to speak out loud. Whenever I saw this in movies, I thought it was silly, but I guess there are things you just have to say out loud, even if there is no one there to listen.

"Hey Grandma" I swallow past the lump in my throat. "I am sorry I haven't come by, but you know what I think of all this. Visiting a burial side...I mean it isn't even you, you know. It is your body, but it isn't you... I miss you so much." Tears are gathering in my eyes and I have a hard time keeping them at bay. I take a deep breath, walk over to the headstone and sit down in the grass. It is wet and it will most likely stain my clothes, but I don't care. "I cannot believe how boring this is...I mean you were so much more...life...I don't know. A plain, grey headstone and boring flowers...If you saw this you would scoff and shake your head.

Shit has hit the fan, Grandma. I uhmm...I got into some trouble. Lula is dead and Lester...he got shot because of me. The guilt was too much so I tried...I...uhm...I tried to kill myself…. I was almost there, but Hector saved me... on Ranger's orders he followed me. I would be lying right next to you if it wasn't for them. Mom and I don't talk any longer..I mean you know how we were before you died, but now...your daughter is a vile person and Dad just takes her side. I thought I had no one, but I guess Ranger and the Merry Men are my family now, which took me a long time to realize. The merry men love me, Ranger loves me, but...I don't know, is it going to be enough?"

I sigh and lean my head against the stone. "I suppose you would now say ' _You don't know if it is enough, until you try it'_...and you would be right. But I am scared Grandma! If Ranger ever got tired of me, he could destroy me...again. I wish you were here to help…" I close my eyes and listen to the wind move the fallen down leaves on the ground and tree branches high up. It is peaceful here and you cannot tell that there is a big, noisy road just around the corner. "I don't know if I believe in an afterlife, but this can't be it right? Just a cold body in the ground, not feeling, not remembering. This could have been me, here in the ground and someone else visiting my grave. And that thought scares me a little, now that I know I have people rooting for me, people who love me. I do want to live, but didn't see a sense in it when I had no one."

I let out another sigh, before standing up. "Thank you for listening, Grandma. I won't come by again, but I will think of you everyday...I promise." I trace my fingers along the top of the stone and make my way back to the main path. One down, one more to go.

My heart starts pounding the closer I get to Lula's grave. If the funeral didn't drive it home, this will. As soon as Lula's headstone comes into view I want to throw up. My friend. She is dead. Tears start running down my face and it is a miracle that I make the last few steps. "I am so, so sorry" I whisper. Compared to Grandma's Stone, Lula's is colourful and fits her personality. The base is black, the writing white, but around the edge runs a rainbow. "This suits you" I let out a shaky laugh and fall down to my knees. "You always did wear the craziest outfits and somehow pulled it off."

I swallow hard and wipe the tears away with my sleeve, which is pointless, since more are running down my face. "I am sorry for what happened. Had I known...Had I known you were still alive, I could have done something...anything." This is hard and I feel like my heart is being ripped in two. "I miss you Lula. You always brought me out of my funk. Everybody always thought I am able to get over the bad stuff that happens to me on my own, but the truth is, I couldn't have done it without you or Ranger or any of the other merry men for all those years. You always had my back...well unless the cops came" I laugh again, memories flooding through me, which are painful still. "Remember that time Donny Timber opened the door with a hard on. Oh man, I have never seen you speechless" I laugh again. "I am not sure what did it, the hard on or how tiny the ting was...I remember us laughing about it for days afterwards."

I shake my head and more tears run down my cheeks. "Fuck Lula, we had some great times. I never thought it would end this way... I should have had my gun...I should have done more…"

"There is nothing you could have done, Steph" A familiar voice says behind me and I close my eyes in resignation. "This isn't your fault."

"All of it is my fault, Tank…" I push myself up and turn around to face him. His painful expression is almost too much to bear. "I am sorry I didn't realize you would come here today, or I would have visited another time." I move to go past him, only for Tank to hold onto my wrist in passing. With one swift move, he pulls me into his chest, with two massive, strong arms wrapping around me, trapping me.

"This is not your fault" He starts whispering over and over again. More tears start leaking from my eyes, soaking Tank's Rangemen issued jumper, until I can't hold it back any longer and my quiet tears turn into loud sobs. I cling to Tank for dear life and let the pain wash over me. Fuck this hurts. I miss Lula, I missed Tank.

I don't know how long we stand there, but eventually, my sobs turn into hiccups and the tears dry out. "I...I am..so-s-so sorry Tank" My friend pulls away and looks down at me.

"It is not your fault" He says once again and wipes my face with the sleeves of his jumper. "It's Jimmy Johnson's fault and if he wasn't dead, I would kill him myself."

"W-what d-do you mean he is d-dead?" I question. No one told me.

"Proof that he is dead was sent to the cops, but a body was never found" Which in my head translates to the Ranger got to him before the cops did and disposed of his body. "It is that bastard's fault that Lula's is dead and that you have to go through this. I am sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me...I just, I was in pain."

I have never heard Tank talk this much. "Don't apologize! You have nothing to apologize for. You were grieving, I was grieving. I should have called out for help, but I didn't know how."

"When Ranger told me what happened to you...I couldn't think of losing you as well. Don't do this to me again...to us. We need you around" Tank pulls me back into his embrace and this time I put my arms around him as well. Never mind that mine don't even make it halfway around him, thanks to his massive frame. "If you ever need someone to talk to about Lula, I am always here. I know it hurts, but the pain will lessen over time. But it won't ever go away completely."

"How do you deal with it?" I know that Ranger, Tank and other Veteran Rangemen have lost people close to them in combat.

"First time I lost someone close to me, I disappeared into the bottle for a couple of weeks and let me tell you that does not help at all. Then I tried to ignore it, which made it even worse. I found the easiest is when you face the grieve head on. Acknowledge it. Talk to someone and try to move past it. Make yourself see that you are still alive and they would want you to keep going."

"Dying is easy, watching people around you die is the hard part….Because we keep on living, knowing that they are gone and we are still here" I repeat the words the Doc has thrown in my face multiple times.

"Exactly" Tank nods. "I know it is hard Steph. I know you didn't know who to reach out to and that you thought that Ranger had moved on, but he hasn't. Lula would tell you right now ' _White girl, that man is head over heels for you'_ " Tank mimics Lula's voice which has me laughing. "And she would be right."

"I know" I nod and bury my head deeper into Tank's embrace. "There is a lot of shit I had to re-evaluate in the past few months."

"Just keep going. You will be fine. And what happened is not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself."

"Easier said than done" I mutter.

"I love you little girl and I will help you see it." Tank assures me.

* * *

Later that night, when Ranger is showing Tank out after our dinner, I stand in front of the glass to ceiling windows looking at Trenton. "You ok?" Ranger asks, when he comes up from behind and wraps his arms around me.

"Better than in a long time" I nod. "Seeing Grandma and Lula today...I don't know. It lifted some weight of my shoulders."

"Good, that means you are healing."

"But where do I go from here? I mean I will have to come back to Trenton, because that is where you are, but what will I do here?" I ask. Maybe it is what happened today that makes me brave enough to voice the questions that have been running around in my head for a while.

"I don't have to be here...in fact, there are plans in motion so that we won't be here much longer" Ranger replies. My eyes find his in our reflection.

"What do you mean?"

"I have spoken to the core team and we will be moving the office to Philly. Trenton is no longer needed. Our existing accounts will be monitored by the Satellite office in Hamilton Township, but the rest of it will move." He answers as if this is not a big deal. I turn around in his arms and look at him. God he looks so tired. Not in a 'I only slept two hours' kinda way but in a 'my mind and body can't take anymore' kind of way. I did this to him and yet he is still around. "The move should be completed by easter.."

"I hope you are not doing this because of me...I don't want you to do this because of me. Trenton has been the head office since you started this company…"

"And it stayed that way because I didn't want to move. Lester and Bobby both have urged me to move the head office before, but I wanted to keep it here. As the CEO I need to go where the head office is and I didn't want to leave you, Babe. Now nothing holds me here anymore. Philly will only be the temporary home, until we open the new offices in the Midwest" That just stabbed me right in the heart and made me flinch. Ranger must have noticed, because he quickly adds "You need a fresh start, Tank needs a fresh start and what better way than to do it together."

He smiles down at me, as if he knows something I don't. "You remember what I told you that night when we were sitting outside? About taking a year off?" I nod. "Well Tank has told me on multiple occasions recently that I look like shit and need time off. So I was thinking that, once the move is complete we go on a holiday? I was thinking either somewhere really cold or really warm."

"Ranger…" He is doing this, he is really doing this! "I can't ask you to do this for me."

"You are not asking, but I am offering." He assures me. I look at him in disbelief. How did I get so lucky? After all I have done, after all I have put him through over the years, how did I get so lucky, that he wants to stick around despite all of that? "Believe me, I am the lucky one." He smiles at me, making me realize that I said that out loud, and draws me even closer. "I love you, Babe. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I will make it happen." And with that he brings his lips down to mine. A sigh escapes my lips, as more weight lifts of my shoulders and Ranger uses that opportunity to slip is tongue past mine and to deepen the kiss. Our tongues are duelling, my heart is pumping on overtime, while my stomach does flips of excitement. But it isn't enough, I need more.

I quickly run my hands down his torso, under his dress shirt, but as soon as my hands hit his skin he breaks the kiss and jumps back, causing my hands to fall to my side. We are both out of breath and I can see it in his eyes how much he wants me. "I am not sure this is a good…" He starts, but I silence him by pulling him closer again at the hem of his shirt.

"Shut up Ranger!"

* * *

"I needed that" I can't help but keep the grin of my face. We barely made it to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind us. I am lying on my stomach, my arms crossed under my head, looking at a naked and out of breath Ranger next to me.

"Mhhh me too" He turns on his side, props his head onto his arm and starts running a hand from the top of my spine at my hairline down to the bottom, just above my cheeks, and back up.

"So you really want us to do this together?" I ask, still not quite believing it.

"Absolutely"

"What about Tank? He needs a break too" I am worried that the big guy is going to burn out.

"That's what I told him" Ranger replies with a grim expression. "Hell the whole core teams needs a break, but Tank told me he prefers to keep busy at the moment. And Bobby and Lester said something about travelling when we are back. So in the meantime, I will have Bobby and Zip keep an eye on Tank and Ella an eye on Les and Bobby."

"You always make sure everyone is cared for" I smile and bring a hand to his face. His eyes close at my touch and a small sigh escapes.

"I thought I lost this forever" he whispers and my heart plummets to the ground. Fuck! "I thought I wouldn't get to do this again with you. Our timing always sucked. When you told me that you loved me before the shooting, it was the best thing I have ever heard. But I let get myself get in the way of us. Then after, I thought giving you space would be the right thing to do, after you shut me out, and then Uncle Sam called again…" He shakes his head with sorrow written all over his face. "I am sorry Babe."

"You have nothing to be sorry for" I assure him and edge closer. He opens his eyes again, looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes. "We can't change what happened, but we can try to move forward." There is a moment of silence between us. "I can't believe I just said that" I chuckle. "I must be spending too much time with Braddock."

"You are right though. We need to move forward." Ranger nods. "What better way to do that than to start right here" and with that he kisses me again, making me forget what else I was going to add.


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's last words_

FINALLY...that is all I can say.

This chapter has been in the works since 2017 and let me tell you until today, I had no idea how I was going to end it. I had multiple versions, but this one I wrote today is the best one in my humble opinion.

It was a hard story for me to write and that is why it has taken me such a long time to finish it.

Thank you all for reading along and remember, do not be afraid to ask for help. There are lots of ways to connect with someone who will listen, you just have to take that step. Don't let the people and life push you down. Thanks to the internet we can connect and seek help in lots of different ways.

* * *

_One Month later_

**Ranger's POV**

"I am sorry for the late call, Doc." I say right of the bat when he pick up.

"No worries, what can I do for you?" Braddock questions.

"I am worried" I blurt out, so unlike me. Steph is leaving the facility tomorrow and I am nervous. "I am worried, I will screw this up, that I am not be able to give her the support she needs or that I will suffocate her with my worrying." Doc chuckles. "I thought you are not supposed to laugh when a patient is in crisis." I grumble.

"You don't pay me for you, you pay me for Steph, which means you are not my patient. Besides I think we are more friends than anything professional." He has me there. Braddock and I have grown closer over the past few weeks and not just over Babe's care. He has become a friend. "Do you trust Steph?"

"Yes." Without question.

"And does she trust you?" Doc questions.

"Yes." Unconditionally for some reason.

"Then you have nothing to worry about. Thanks to that trust you will do right by her no matter what." And with that he hangs up on me. Babe would have a field day with that.

* * *

**Steph's POV**

_The Next day_

"Last Day...so how are you feeling?" Doc asks, steps next to me at the window and hands me my usual cup of hot chocolate.

"Like I have less of a weight on my shoulders" I admit. "Also... a lot happier."

"It's been quite the journey" Doc reminds me.

"Thank you for helping me through it, even though I didn't make it easy for you." I turn to look at him, to make sure that he sees how much I appreciate this.

"It is my job" He shrugs, but I don't quite believe it. I have spoken to a couple of other patients here in the past few weeks, deciding that I couldn't close myself off any longer, and they all are singing his praises, saying he goes above and beyond.

"See, here is the thing, you have done more than just your job. I know you deliver top notch service here at the clinic, but you, personally, really exceed that. You pushed me when I needed it and held my hand when it was just another shitty day. Besides you don't believe in pussy footing around, so thank you for that. I really appreciate it." I shoot him a smile, before turning back to look out the window.

"I know we have spoken in length about what comes next, but are you ready?" Doc questions, seeming a little uncomfortable with my praise.

"I think I am" I nod.

"Good. But you have my number. If you ever need someone else to talk to, don't hesitate to call. Ranger may not pay me anymore, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't answer." He assures me.

"And there you go again... doing more than your job" I smirk. "Thank you Doc. I am nervous though. I mean, I spent so much time in the last few months wanting to leave this place, but my palms get sweaty thinking about it now. Here everything is safe, people watch over me, there are plenty of staff around if I do have a difficult day, but tomorrow, I am on my own...moving to Philly first of all and then to the Midwest…"

"You are never alone. You have a great support system. I bet my last penny that Ranger and your friends will be fussing over you like old ladies to make sure you have everything you need." I laugh at that visual, because I know it won't be that farfetched.

"But that is also part of the problem...I appreciate their concern, but I am stronger now and don't want them to feel like they have to tiptoe around me or hold their tongue in fear it will tip me over the edge again." I admit.

"Have you ever known of Ranger or your friends to do so?" Doc raises a questioning eyebrow at me. "Because from what you told me they don't strike me as people who will hold their tongue."

"I suppose you are right" I shrug. "I just feel vary, I guess. Second guessing that they will still be the people who I knew before all of this."

"If you ever get the feeling that they are not, don't hold back. Ask. Tell them. Stand up for yourself. You are stronger than you were before and I was told you were one hell of a strong person, who experienced great loss and a weak moment...Don't second guess yourself or the people around you because of that."

I just merely nod in response. Fear creeping up my spine, putting a damper on my good mood, now that we are talking about this. "Maybe I overestimated how well I am really doing!"

"No, you haven't. You are just questioning what you are capable of right now. But that will fade. You are ready!" Doc smiles.

* * *

**Later that day**

"You ready?" Ranger asks and takes the handle of my suitcase from me.

"Ready as I will ever be." I shoot him a wobbly smile and in an instant he takes my hand.

"We are in this together, I am not going anywhere." He assures me and motions for me to walk ahead. With a deep breath, I grab my jacket and walk out the door. It is time to trust myself and him.

He re-takes my hand outside of my door and holds it all the way to the front door, where I stop dead in my tracks. I had been expecting is Carrera, but out there waiting is a freaking black stretch Limousine! "You are crazy" I look at Ranger and shake my head.

"Your chariot awaits, my Lady" the amazing man in front of me smiles and bows, while the driver puts my suitcase in the trunk. I let out a laugh and let Ranger help me into the limousine, before getting in beside me. "Gotta leave in style, Babe" he says, making my roll my eyes.

"Look into the fridge" Ranger nods towards the front of the car. Just below the partition is the fridge. When I open it, I can't help but squeal. Inside I find Coke Zero and a box of cupcakes. I take the box out of the fridge and discover that each cupcake has different coloured buttons on top of the icing and each reads a different message. One says ' _Proud of you_ ', another says ' _Yay you made it_ ' with two pumping fists and a different one says ' _You will never be alone_ '. Tears pool in my eyes and I look back at the man reclining with a big smile in his seat. "Fuck" he exclaims when he sees my tears and a second later he is in front of me, pulling me into his lap. "I didn't mean to make you cry. Is this too much?" He questions and I shake my head, unable to answer because there is a fat frog stuck in my throat. "Then what is it?" concern gracing is features.

I attempt to swallow a couple of time, by the third the frog disappears and I clear my throat, before I assure him "This is perfect. You are perfect. These are happy tears." I shoot him a wobbly smile, before another couple of tears leak from my eyes.

"Thank fuck" Ranger exhales and kisses me. "You had me worried there for a second….There is a message from each of us. We wanted to reassure you in the sweetest way" I laugh at that. He grins at his own pun too and wipes the tears away.

"For each I will eat, I will guess who wrote it. IF I guess them all, you owe me another box" I shoot him a mischievous grin and he just laughs.

"Deal" He places another kiss on my lips and pulls me and the cupcakes to the back of the limousine. "On the chance of making you cry even more, there is a movie lined up for you." Just as he says that, the Ghostbusters theme song starts playing.

"I think I need to thank you properly first" I grin and straddle him.

"Ah yeah? What have you got in mind?" Ranger raises an eyebrow in question.

"Let me show you" I smile and kiss him with all I have got. And then we don't come up for air for the rest of the drive to the airport.

* * *

**Ranger's POV**

_Four months later_

I look around the empty apartment on the seventh floor with a bit of sadness. This has been my home for quite some time and all is left are bare walls and floors, except for the mattress and candles in the bedroom. Everything has already been moved to our new office building in Philly. We spend the last four months renovating it and making it our home. But it is only temporary until we can find a new location for our HQ. We are currently looking into Kansas City and Oklahoma City, not sure yet which one would suit us best. But all will be decided in the next two months.

Once everything is set, Steph and I will go on our trip. It may not be a year, but we will take off as long as possible. Just to see the world.

"Hey, are you okay?" Babe comes up behind me, wrapping her arm around me and squeezing me lightly.

"There are a lot of memories here." I swallow hard. "When we first opened this place we were green behind the ears. The boys and I celebrated our first big contract by throwing a party up here. It wasn't an apartment back then, we were sleeping up here on our field beds in a bog open space and that night Les went streaking down the road. Our neighbours were not impressed." I laugh at the memory. I hear her take in a sharp breath, like she does every time I share things with her. I regret not doing so sooner. In the past months, I have had to learn to be more open, to express my emotions, which isn't easy when you have been told by the army to suppress these.

"Mhhh" She nods into my back. I can feel her smile, so I turn in her arms and smile down at her.

I kiss he softly, before moving away. "Come on. We are going to be spending our last night in this city in style." I pull her into the bedroom, where I have placed our old mattress and I don't know how many candles are lighting up the room. I pull her back to my front and this time it is me who wraps his arms around her.

"You are crazy" She laughs.

"There is Chinese take out, Dunkin Doughnuts and whipped cream for me to lick off you later." I place a kiss on the top of her head.

"And what is that?" Babe points at the small box on top of the Doughnuts in the middle of the makeshift bed.

"Have a look" I whisper and push her forward gently. My heart beats a mile a minute as I watch Babe pick up the box. I follow her and once again come up behind her, taking the box from her hand and open it for her, since she seems to be shaking like crazy.

"This has been in my safe for a very long time."

"How long?" Babe whispers.

"Six years" I answer and hear her gasp. ""The memories which stand out the most are when you entered my life." I tell here. "My life began when you met me at the diner. And this ring...I knew after Scorg that you are the woman with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Our timing was just never right, you were with Morelli, I had the Army. And I knew I couldn't marry you while I was still serving Uncle Sam. I didn't want you sitting here in Trenton wondering if I would ever return. So I kept it, hoping and wishing we would get our chance at someday.

And now we have that chance. I know that this is rushed and that this is moving too quickly, so I want you to have this as a promise and when you are ready we can make it official."

"I am ready" She says so quietly that I nearly didn't hear her.

"Are you sure?" I ask and step around her to face her. "I don't want to put…" And then she kisses me.

When we pull up for air, she just demands "Shut up and love me."

That I can definitely do.


End file.
